wedding party

Changing Rules for Wedding Parties

 in Ceremony / Trends / Weddings  tagged attendants / bridesmaids / groomsmen / wedding party / wedding rules by

Changing rules for wedding parties mean lots of options and choices when selecting who will stand with you on your wedding day. The traditional rules that set wedding parties as four or five women for the bride and a corresponding number of men for the groom seem antiquated and at times inappropriate.

With same sex couples leading the way, there are no longer rules about the gender of your attendants. It’s common to see a mix of men and women standing with each of the brides or grooms, and it makes perfect sense to include the people closest to you in your party, regardless of gender. One sweet wedding I officiated had the bride’s brother standing with her, and the groom’s sister standing with him. Honoring these special sibling relationships without worrying about gender made all the sense in the world.

Wedding parties these days range from zero attendants to nearly 20. Couples seeking to simplify their wedding day opt to forego a wedding party and have parents or siblings or good friends serve as the legal witnesses and sign the marriage paperwork. This seems to be a good approach for the busy, professional couple who aren’t interested in bachelor/bachelorette parties and prefer to spend more time with each other on the wedding day. At the other extreme are the “super wedding parties” with 10 or more attendants on each side. If this is appealing to you, just remember that it is much harder to manage and direct larger groups of people, and everything takes longer – from hair and make-up sessions to photography to the logistics of moving everyone from area to area.

Changing rules for wedding parties also makes space for uneven numbers of attendants. If you have 3 close friends, and your fiance(e) has 2 siblings and 2 close friends, those are the people you should have in your wedding party. The only time it may be more obvious that the numbers are not even is during the processional and recessional at your wedding ceremony, and by mixing things up and having each attendant enter alone or including a trio along with couples, those moments can be gracefully handled, too.

The changing rules for wedding parties has also required some new language. The people who stand with you can simply be referred to as attendants rather than bridesmaids and groomsmen. In place of maid/matron of honor and best man, we now have honor attendants. As you plan your wedding, consider who the important people in your life are, and build your wedding party accordingly. All options for numbers and genders of attendants are open to you so surround yourselves with supportive people who want to make the day special for you.

The Lone(ly) Attendant

 in Weddings  tagged lone attendant / wedding party by

A lonely attendant is sad, but can also be destructive on your wedding day. Brides and grooms ask important people in their lives to stand with them on their wedding day. These people can be friends or relatives, and can come from different parts of their lives. But you will want to think about the dynamics of these people as a group, too, or you can find yourself with a difficult situation on your hands.

College friends, work colleagues, childhood friends, cousins and siblings are all frequent choices for your attendants, and all can work well. But be careful if all but one of your attendants come from one part of your life. For example, four of your attendants are siblings and cousins, and your fifth attendant is a friend from college. In this kind of group the friend can feel very much an outsider. The other attendants have a shared history, are comfortable with each other, and have an established dynamic. If this group does not make an extra effort to include the lone friend in activities like hosting a shower or planning the bachelor or bachelorette party, the wedding weekend can be very awkward. As the bride or groom, you will have many things pulling at you during the weekend, and will not be able to spend a lot of time with your friend. They will have to fend for themselves, and, if not welcomed by the rest of your attendants, can feel very left out and alone.

The truth is that during the wedding day there is a lot of “hurry up and wait” going on. Commonly, for example, the women meet for hair and make-up in the morning, and then wait until everyone is ready to move on. Then everyone gets dressed and waits for pictures to start. Pictures themselves involve a lot of waiting around as different groups are positioned and photographed. Then there’s more waiting for the ceremony to begin, and then a social hour before dinner. At each of these points the lone friend who is not actively included by other attendants is left standing alone on the sidelines. At best they will feel awkward and uncomfortable. At worst they will turn to alcohol to cope. It’s not a far-fetched or even unusual occurrence. At one wedding this year there was an attendant who was so inebriated by the time the wedding ceremony rolled around that they were unable to walk down the aisle and participate in the ceremony. The bride was understandably upset, but with a few quick adjustments to the processional, everything went forward smoothly – minus the drunk attendant.

There is no question that the attendant’s behavior was inappropriate. They were anxious, lonely, and unhappy. They turned to alcohol to try to feel better in the moment. It didn’t work, and it caused additional problems and stress for the wedding couple, which is really too bad. But I do have some sympathy for the lonely attendant, too. I think the best way to handle the situation would have been to either avoid it by not asking them to be in the bridal party (but maybe finding another special role for them – reader at the ceremony, for example) or by asking your other attendants to make a special effort to include the friend in the group activities throughout the weekend, or even asking one of them to be an official “buddy” to your friend.

Standing up in a wedding is expensive and time consuming as well as an honor. It should be a fun experience, too. So if you decide to have a lone attendant, help make sure that they are accepted and included by other attendants. Your efforts will help ensure a happy day for everyone without the drama and disruption I witnessed.

Small Wedding Parties – Pros and Cons

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged wedding ceremony / wedding party by

Small wedding parties seem to be increasingly popular option, especially for couples who are over 30 and who have already established their life together. They may already own a home together, may have even started their family together, but are definitely focused on the wedding day being about them as a couple.

If any of these characteristics describe you, or if you are simply looking for a simpler kind of wedding day, opting for a small wedding party may be the way to go. I define small wedding parties as zero to two attendants (bridesmaids, groomsmen, whatever) for each of you, and no children (flower girls, ring bearers). Admittedly, this is a somewhat arbitrary definition, but if you’re going to achieve the benefits of a small wedding party, I think it’s a pretty good definition.

So what are the benefits of a small wedding party? Here’s a brief list:
– lower cost: fewer gifts to buy, fewer cars to arrange to transport the wedding party, fewer bouquets and boutonnieres needed, smaller rehearsal dinner expense, smaller salon bill (if you’re paying for the women’s hair and makeup for the day).

– less stress: fewer people to get in the right place at the right time – think pictures, ceremony line-up, more pictues, grand entrance, wedding party dance, more pictures.

– less drama: fewer people by definition means fewer emergencies, fewer wardrobe malfunctions (or ill-fitting tuxes), fewer last minute illnesses, and few hurt feelings.

– more meaningful time with your wedding party: as a group of two, four or six people (you plus one or two attendants each) you become an intimate party unto yourselves, rather than a small herd you’re just trying to keep together. Quick conversations and shared moments can become lasting memories of your wedding day.

– more focus on you as a couple: with only a few of your closest relatives and friends standing up with you, the focus will naturally stay more on the two of you. They will be honored to be part of the party, but are more inclined to be focused on helping you have the day of your dreams.

Couple with no attendants

OK so with all these benefits, what are the down sides to small wedding parties? Well, you’re going to have a smaller number of people surrounding you all day (you get to decide if this is a plus or minus). If you are a real extrovert and love a crowd, a small wedding party may not be the right choice for you. And if you’re looking for lavish showers, bachelor or bachelorette parties, you’ll need to include friends outside the wedding party in those festivities, too. And the most common driver of large wedding parties is the desire to not pick among friends, to favor some over others when selecting your attendants. But a truly small wedding party – only a single honor attendant for each of you, or no attendants at all – may be a great solution to that problem, too. Give some thought to your personalities, to your wishes for your day, and what the right size wedding party meets your vision, and only then start inviting people to stand with you on this very important day.