ceremony

Modern Marriage

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged ceremony / modern / modern marriage / wedding ceremony / weddings by

Modern marriage is a venture of equals. No longer is the bride viewed as property to be passed from father to husband. No longer is marriage a financial transaction to enhance the wealth of a man. No longer must a woman forfeit her money or property and lose all rights to either in the future. Thankfully, modern marriage is a joining of equals based on feelings of love and a commitment to build a future together.

Unfortunately, some of the traditions of the wedding ceremony have not kept up with the times. There are a few “traditional” parts of the ceremony that you may choose to drop or modify so the ceremony reflects your views and values. Here are just a few examples:

– The bride is traditionally escorted in to the ceremony by her father. Historically this represented the literal transference of the “property” -the bride- to the groom. In modern marriage the honor of escorting the bride (and the groom) can be given to the parents, or kept with the father to recognize a special, loving relationship. However, you are welcome to enter as a couple, you can enter alone, or you can choose to be escorted by anyone who has held a special place in your life.

– Upon arrival at the front of the ceremony space, the bride’s escort is traditionally asked, “Who gives this woman in marriage to this man?” or something similar. There is absolutely no reason this must be included in your ceremony, and most guests won’t even miss it if it’s not. A heartfelt hug shared with your escort before stepping forward with your partner is sufficient and lovely.

– Traditionally, the bride wore a veil over her face for the first part of the wedding ceremony. Her face was only revealed after the vows had been said. This prevented a groom who had never seen his bride before from bolting if he didn’t like her looks, or was done to preserve her modesty. Today only some brides choose to wear a veil at all, and do so as a fashion statement, not to prevent being seen.

– Wedding vows used to include the phrase, “love, honor and obey…”, but only for the bride. In modern wedding ceremonies you can choose to write your own vows or select vows that are meaningful and appropriate for the relationship you have built with each other.

– And finally, modern marriage uses parallel language, so it is no longer “man and wife” but “husband and wife” recognizing that you are both taking on a new role in marriage. Similarly, the introduction of the couple at the end of the ceremony is more likely to be “Mr and Mrs John and Mary Smith” or, if you’re not changing your last name, “… as a married couple, Mary Jones and John Smith”, or even, “Mary and John Jones-Smith”.

Modern marriage is a joining of two equal people, be they men, women or one of each, so make sure you review the language and rituals of your wedding ceremony to ensure it reflects your thinking and values.

An Accommodating Wedding

 in Ceremony / Venue / Weddings / Welcome  tagged accommodating wedding / accommodation / ceremony / disability / wedding by

Hosting an accommodating wedding means being thoughtful and planning for the needs of any differently abled guests and members of the wedding party. If you have bridesmaids, groomsmen, guests, or even if you yourself have mobility or other limitations there are many things to consider. The good news is that there are many small things you can do to ensure everyone is able to participate fully in your wedding day.

Hosting an accommodating wedding starts very early on in the planning process as you consider venues for your ceremony and reception. If people will be in wheelchairs, check for doorways wide enough to accommodate the chair. Look for ramps or lifts near any steps on the site. Check out the restrooms for accessibility, too. Now look at the ceremony space – can chairs be moved to allow a beloved grandparent a front view of the ceremony? Are aisles wide enough to accommodate the chair? And this would be a good time to avoid an aisle runner or other obstructions that could cause difficulties for wheelchairs or walkers. If people will be walking with crutches, check for even ground/floor surfaces that are not slippery.

When seeking to provide a welcoming and accommodating wedding experience, consider, too, people with sight or hearing limitations. They may need a reserved seat near the front, or near a speaker to fully appreciate the ceremony. A different kind of limitation is language. If parents or grandparents do not speak English, consider having your ceremony translated so they can follow along on a printed copy left on their seats. You may also choose to offer some or all of the ceremony in two languages to allow them to more fully participate.

Wheelchairs can be gracefully included in the processional with a bridesmaid holding the handle of the groomsman’s chair as he rolls down the aisle, or a festively decorated chair for the bride pushed by her escort as she enters the ceremony space. If standing for the duration of the ceremony is difficult, attendants can be seated in chairs to each side, and two chairs can be set for the bride and groom in the center of the space. If you’re able, you can choose to stand for the exchange of vows and rings, and return to chairs for the rest of the ceremony. It may also be possible to have a table on wheels rolled to you for your unity ritual.

With some thought, creativity and planning an accommodating wedding can be created that allows everyone to fully and comfortably celebrate with you as you cross the threshold into marriage. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated, and your day memorable when you seek to welcome everyone to the celebration.

Ceremony Venue Selection

 in Ceremony / Venue / Weddings  tagged ceremony / venue / wedding by

Ceremony venue selection is one of the earliest tasks when planning your wedding day. So, if you’re one of the new Valentine’s Day engagements – Congratulations to you, by the way – you’ll soon be looking at venues for your wedding ceremony. Outdoor ceremonies continue in popularity, and can be beautiful, but there are some extra things to consider when visiting outdoor ceremony venues. For example:

1. Bad weather – is there an indoor backup space at same location? If not, how would your guests know where to go, and if you’ve moved the ceremony indoors somewhere?

2. Position of the sun – will it be in your eyes? The eyes of your guests? This can be a real distraction if you select a ceremony time anywhere near sunset.

3. Accessibility – are the distance from parking and the terrain to be covered comfortable for your guests? Certainly consider elderly guests, but a broken leg can happen to anyone at any time.

Ceremony venue selection

4. Privacy – is there a place for the wedding party to gather and line up for the processional that is out of view from the guests? Some venues are so open that there’s no place to begin the processional from, and guests can see the entire wedding party at all times.

5. Seating – is seating provided for the guests? Do you have to set it up, or is that handled for you? Unless you are having a very brief (10 minutes or less) ceremony, your guests will be more comfortable if they can be seated. And arranging chairs is an additional task that your wedding party doesn’t need to be handling on a busy wedding day.

6. Facilities – are there bathrooms in the vicinity for you and your guests to use? Especially important for guests who have driven a distance to be with, you want them to be comfortable upon arrival.

7. Insects – are there any provision for bug control? I’ve seen guests spend most of the ceremony swatting at mosquitos, bees, and small biting insects. Memorable, but not the way you want it to be. See if it is possible for the venue to do a “bug bombing” of the ceremony site in advance of your ceremony time.

Using the considerations above, potential ceremony venues can be evaluated in a fair and logical way. Ceremony venue selection can soon be checked off your to do list, and you’ll be moving on to planning other aspects of your ideal wedding day.

Finding Your Ideal Officiant

 in Ceremony / Officiant / Weddings  tagged ceremony / officiant / wedding by

Finding your ideal officiant is different than finding an officiant. Last week I wrote about how to begin your search for a wedding officiant – the person who will make your marriage legal, and who will preside at your wedding ceremony. But you don’t want just anyone serving in this important role. Your wedding ceremony is a personal, intimate experience that takes place in front of all the people you’ve invited to share your wedding day. That’s a tricky balance to strike. You want your ceremony to be memorable, special, unique and authentic for you as a couple. So how do you find your ideal officiant; the person that can deliver that?

When speaking with potential wedding officiants, I encourage you to evaluate them against these five criteria:
1. Does s/he share my vision for the ceremony? This encompasses things including the amount of humor you want, the ways you want to involve your guests, your approach/wishes regarding your vows, and the level of religiosity you want.

2. Is s/he open to my requests and priorities? This is similar to number 1, but more specific. If you indicate a preference for something, does the officiant listen to what you’re saying and incorporate your ideas in the outline and ceremony plans?

3. Do I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with the officiant? You want to be able to say “no” to ideas that don’t fit you or that you don’t want to spend time on during your ceremony. At its best, your wedding ceremony reflects you as a couple, so you need to be able to share your experiences and personalities with the officiant. If you’re not comfortable doing that, s/he’s probably not the right person for you to work with.

4. Does s/he offer ideas or suggestions I didn’t know about? Can this person help take the ceremony beyond what you had considered? Even if you decline the suggestions they offer, knowing that you’ve considered many options will make you more confident that you will get the ceremony you want for your wedding day

5. Do I have reason to believe that this person can deliver on their promises in a quality way? Basically this gets to the officiant’s education, experience, referrals, references or testimonials. A new officiant my be highly motivated to do a good job for you, but having seen their work personally or getting a referral from a family member or friend whose opinion you value can really increase your confidence in an officiant.

Every reputable officiant will offer the the opportunity to talk with them before hiring them. This can take the form of an in person meeting, a phone call or a Skype or Face Time discussion, but you deserve to get to know them a bit, ask all the questions you have, and be able to assess them against the five criteria, above. When you find someone who meets all those criteria, you’ve found a person you can hire with confidence. You’ve found your ideal officiant!

One Perspective: My Sister’s Wedding

 in Celebration / Ceremony / Weddings  tagged celebration / ceremony / wedding by

I’ve just returned from a road trip to New York state to be a guest at my sister’s wedding. It’s an unusual role for me as I usually serve as the officiant at ceremonies, but I’ll be getting lots of practice this year with a total of three family weddings to attend.

The family weddings are a perfect example of one of my favorite phrases: Every couple should have the wedding ceremony and wedding day that they want. This is not a “one size fits all” experience, and each wedding can be special in its own way. Last weekend’s ceremony was a great example of a minimal ceremony with a very limited guest list. Everyone in attendance was directly related to the bride or groom. The ceremony was held in their home, and we all fit comfortably.

The ceremony was officiated by their town clerk (remember, marriage laws differ by state), and lasted no more than four minutes. After brief introductory remarks the couple said their “I do’s” and exchanged rings. A pronouncement of marriage and invitation to kiss wrapped things up. But it was the happiness that shone from the bride and groom’s faces, especially the smile lighting my sister from head to toe, that made this the perfect ceremony for them. The day continued with pictures, food and wine, and lots of chatter as two families met each other for the first time.

The next family wedding is in only two weeks, and promises to be just about the complete opposite from my sister’s. I’ll report back on that after it occurs. In the meantime, remember that choosing the elements of your wedding ceremony and wedding day that are meaningful for you will ensure happy memories for years to come. Best wishes and Congratulations to Mary Chris and Paul!