Weddings

One of the most emotionally difficult decisions I see couples dealing with as we plan their wedding ceremony is how to acknowledge parents who are deceased. While your wedding ceremony is a happy time, it is understandably sad if a beloved parent is not able to share it with you. There are a number of options available as you decide how to merge these disparate emotions and still maintain the overall joy of your wedding day, and only you can decide which is the right path for you.

If it is the bride’s father who has passed, often the first question to come up is who will be walking her down the aisle. Because of the tradition and emotion surrounding this special moment as a dad and daughter enter the ceremony space, this is an especially tricky situation. Traditionally an uncle, grandfather or brother assumes the parental role, and those are all still fine options. But I encourage any bride in this situation to ask herself, “Who is the most significant mentor/parental figure in my life?” That is the person you should consider asking to escort you into your wedding ceremony. That could be your mom, grandmother, stepfather, sister, or a non-related person in your life. Choosing to have a custom ceremony means you get to choose what is meaningful for you, regardless of tradition or “rules”. So, while you will certainly miss your dad on this important day, I encourage you to feel the love and support of these other important people in your world.

Beyond the processional choice, there are other ways to remember loved ones in your ceremony. You can acknowledge their absence near the beginning of the ceremony with words, with a picture(s) on a table at the front or back of the ceremony space, with a memorial floral arrangement (if outdoors) or a memorial candle lighting (if indoors). You can include an appropriate favorite saying or reading if they had one, and attribute it to them. Some couples even choose to have a flower placed on the chair they would have occupied during the ceremony.

One word of caution with any overt references – be conscious of not only your feelings, but also those of your remaining parent and close family members. You don’t want people getting distraught and missing the rest of your ceremony because they are focused on their recent or still painful loss.

If you are looking for a more personal way to feel close to your deceased parent, consider wearing their watch or bracelet, carrying one of their handkerchiefs or a charm with their picture in it. These tokens will keep them close in your thoughts without overtly sharing your feelings with others.

And finally, if you are having a ceremony program, a note on the back remembering family members not able to share in your happy day is always a thoughtful touch. No matter what remembrance you choose to include in your ceremony, or if you choose none at all, you can be certain that your loved one would wish you only happiness on your wedding day and throughout your marriage. Wrap yourselves in the love they had for you, and begin your marriage holding them close in your heart.

As I engage with couples for 2017 ceremonies I’ve encountered a variety of opinions on unity rituals. Some couples have a strong connection to classic unity rituals like the unity candle or sand blending ceremony. These rituals are familiar to them, and they appreciate the symbolism they portray. There are ways to customize these familiar rituals to make them fit your circumstances and personalities, and keep them fresh.

If, however, you are interested in including a newer unity ritual, a tree planting, a flower blending, a love letters and wine box, or a wine sharing ritual may be for you. Each of these rituals offers interesting visual and symbolic elements, and can be integrated into your ceremony to offer a personal touch.

Unity rituals at their best have a connection to you as a couple. That’s why I sometimes write a custom unity ritual for my couples. This year I created an ice cream sharing ritual for a couple who included ice cream in all their dates, and I’m currently writing a spice blending ritual for a 2017 couple who loves to cook together. In previous years, one couple performed a hot toddy ritual before offering hot toddies to all their guests. A couple who loved hiking and had Canadian ties built an inukshuk marking their way forward. And couples have created time capsules marking important moments from their past and their hopes for their future together. Each of these rituals was integrated into the overall ceremony giving them even more significance for the couples.

But even with all these unity ritual options, you may not want any unity ritual in your ceremony – and that is totally your choice. You may desire a short ceremony, and don’t want to spend time on a ritual. You may be private or shy people, and wish to minimize the spotlight on yourselves. Or you may just not feel a connection to any of the unity ritual options, which is a totally valid reason to opt out. Unity rituals are not required in a wedding ceremony, so if any of these statements describe you, opting out of a unity ritual may be the right choice.

All options and choices around unity rituals can and should be discussed with your celebrant/officiant during your initial meeting to ensure that your wishes will be respected in your wedding ceremony.

Every couple works hard to plan a special wedding day, striving to anticipate every eventuality and provide a memorable experience for themselves and their guests. However, as a few recent ceremonies demonstrate, it is impossible to plan for every possible occurrence.

At one recent wedding, the couple planned to make promises to their two young daughters after exchanging their own vows. But, after tolerating days of an unusual schedule, an hour with the photographer before the ceremony, and lots of waiting around, their toddler melted down early in the ceremony and was whisked away by a caregiver. When the time for family vows arrived, the older daughter joined her parents in front, the little ones absence was noted, and the ceremony continued without pause.

Weather provided two interesting challenges this summer. First, a rainy week and damp forecast prompted one couple to change their plans for the ceremony from outdoors to the reception tent. The decision was made the day before the wedding, and plans were quickly developed to arrange the chairs for the ceremony, with a planned flip of the tent during social hour to allow the same space to be used for dinner. The couple remained upbeat, and focused on the changes needed to accommodate the new plan.

The last recent experience was the most unusual, but shows that the unthinkable can happen. The outdoors loving couple had planned a lakeside ceremony on a private beach. The week before the wedding brought heavy rains and local flooding. Visiting the ceremony site the day before the wedding, the couple discovered that the beach was totally submerged. They scouted the area and located a lovely, well drained, wooded site. They notified all their vendors and set up signs to direct their guests to the new venue. Both the rehearsal and wedding took place in the wooded venue, allowing the wedding party to be comfortable and familiar with the new space. The couple handled the situation beautifully, focusing on the logistics and new plan.

The message in these three stories is: Even when you think you have all the bases covered, the unexpected situation can pop up on or near your wedding day, requiring you to be creative, flexible, and maintain your perspective. In all three cases detailed above, the grace, good humor and maturity of the couples allowed them to deal with the situations presented, and still enjoy their wedding days. Being able to roll with and adjust to the reality of the moment is essential to handling an event as complex as a wedding day.

Ceremony music is often viewed as a minor detail, an afterthought, among all the details that must be attended to when planning a wedding day. But this approach is really an opportunity lost. Music touches people on a visceral level, and careful music selections, especially foe the ceremony, can support and enhance the entire wedding experience.

First, consider including some thoughtful prelude music. These selections, played while your guests are being seated can foreshadow the ceremony and day to come. The genre of the music – country, rock, classical – can give your guests a piece of information about you as a couple. If you choose songs including lyrics, you can communicate how you view love and marriage.

Next consider your processional music. Usually one or two pieces of music are selected to accompany the entrance of your parents (and possibly grandparents), and your attendants (bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls and/or ring bearers). Again, genre, tone and lyrics can be used to share your values here.

Then comes the song for the bride’s entrance (or in the case of a same sex couple, the couple’s entrances). While Pachelbel’s “Canon in D” is one of the most popular choices here, this is an opportunity to show more of your personality as you enter your ceremony.

In the custom ceremonies I write for couples, the kiss is always the last moment of the ceremony. As the kiss breaks, the music swells and you lead the way out of the ceremony space and on to the rest of the wedding festivities. Again, a commonly used classical piece like “Trumpet Voluntary” provides a strong, jubilant exit, but other options like “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”, or “You Make My Dreams Come True” bring a contemporary, upbeat vibe.

Music touches people in ways the spoken word alone cannot. So spend some time making meaningful music selections for before, during and after your wedding ceremony to enhance the message, tone and emotion the ceremony itself evokes.