Weddings

Creating Your Unique Wedding Day Experience

 in Weddings by

Each couple wants and deserves to have a memorable wedding day, and there is an entire wedding industry out there telling you how to accomplish that. It’s easy to get caught up in elaborate, expensive fashion, decor, venues, floral, entertainment and more as you strive to create your wedding day, but that’s not necessary.

If you keep the focus on you as a couple – your personalities, your experiences, the love you share and what is important to you, you’ll be able to create a wedding day that truly reflects who you are. You can choose personal centerpieces that reflect your love of books, or games, or travel, instead of glitzy, generic ones. You can opt to have a special dance for your grandparents and guests with long, successful marriages, and forgo expensive entertainers. You can include some craft beers that you’ve discovered in lieu of top shelf liquors.

In each case the cost will be lower, but the impact higher when you invest your time and energy to reflect yourselves in your wedding celebration. Your guests will leave your celebration knowing they’ve shared in a very personal, significant celebration with you. So have fun looking at all the wedding related websites out there, but make sure to let your personalities shine through when making the choices for you wedding day.

Ceremony Readings from Shakespeare to Dr. Suess

 in Ceremony / Weddings by

A frequent source of confusion for couples planning their secular wedding ceremonies is choosing whether or not to include a reading. Since traditional wedding ceremonies rely on various holy books for readings, some couples think they need to forgo a reading to keep their ceremony free of religious content. But that’s not the case at all.

There have been beautiful reflections on love and marriage written across cultures and over time. Since we’re not limited by religious requirements, all those passages are potential readings for your ceremony. Here are excerpts from a number of readings to demonstrate the breadth of possibilities available to you.

From Renee Duvall:
“All I want is to love you for the rest of my life.
To wake up every morning with you by my side,
knowing that no matter what happens,
I’ll be able to come home to your loving arms.”

From Carl Sandburg:
“I love you for what you are, but I love you yet more for what you are going to be. I love you not so much for your realities as for your ideals.”

From “Everything I Learned About Love I Learned From My Dog”, author unknown:
“Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory. Take naps together and stretch before rising. Run, romp and play daily. Be loyal.”

From Linda Lee Elrod:
“When I met you, I had no idea
how much my life
was about to be changed…
but then, how could I have known?

A love like ours happens
once in a lifetime.
You were a miracle to me,
the one who was everything
I had ever dreamed of,
the one I thought existed
only in my imagination.”

From James Dillet Freeman:
“May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding.
May you always need one another – not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness.”

As you can see from these snippets, there is a range of sentiment available in readings from serious to lighthearted, from romantic to practical. Selecting a reading that articulates your feelings on love or marriage is a great way to add some variety to your ceremony while keeping the focus on you as a couple. Readings, then, are one more way to personalize your ceremony, so explore the possibilities before deciding if a reading has a place in your wedding ceremony.

Finding Your Wedding Officiant – Part 2

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged wedding officiant by

Last week I talked about ways to find your wedding officiant. During your initial phone or e-mail contact you’ve determined that they are available on your wedding date and meet your basic requirements. Now it’s time to schedule a face to face meeting.

Here are 12 questions you want to consider asking prospective officiants when you meet. You don’t need to ask them all – pick the ones that are significant for you as a couple.

– Can we write our own vows? Can we modify any samples you provide? Do you have any restrictions on what we can say in our vows?

– Can we include a unity ritual in our ceremony? What rituals may we choose from? Can you create a custom ritual for us?

– How do you handle readings in the ceremony? What sources do you allow? Do you provide suggestions/options? Can we have someone of our choice offer the reading?

– Can you perform a ceremony free of religious content but still significant for us and our guests?

– Can we include other people in our ceremony? What suggestions do you have for how to do this?

– How many times do you meet with couples prior to the wedding? Do you have the option of Skype, Facetime or teleconference meetings? What is covered at these meetings?

– Please describe your ceremony writing process. Specifically, how do you determine the general flow and content for a wedding ceremony? Can we make changes or ask that something be removed?

– What do we need to do? Are there questionnaires we need to complete? More meetings to attend? Drafts of the ceremony to review? How quickly are we required to respond?

– What is the fee for the ceremony we have discussed? What services are included in that fee? Rehearsal? Sound system? Time at venue before/after ceremony? Processing of legal paperwork? Copy of ceremony? Interlock with other ceremony vendors? Time and travel costs to the ceremony venue?

– Do we sign a contract defining your services and our responsibilities? Is a retainer or deposit required? When is the balance due? What forms of payment do you accept?

– What kind of training and experience do you have as a celebrant/officiant? Do you have any references or testimonials we can read? Do you have a sample of your work that we can review?

– Do you offer premarital counseling? If so, what are your credentials to do so?

One last suggestion – make sure that, in addition to the questions and answers, you take time to consider how comfortable you are with the person. A wedding ceremony is a very personal thing, and you need to feel comfortable asking questions, sharing your story, asking for assistance, or telling them you want something done differently. If you select the right celebrant/officiant, you’ll find that the process can be a very positive, supportive, collaborative experience that results in a ceremony you’ll remember for years to come.

Finding Your Wedding Officiant – Part 1

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged ceremony / officiant / wedding by

Your wedding day is probably one of the most complex social events you’ll ever need to plan, and being in love and getting engaged doesn’t automatically provide the skills or contacts you need to do it well. One of the people you’ll need to hire is the person who will legally marry you – generically known as your officiant. If you’re not associated with a religious community that provides this person, maybe you’ll be lucky enough to have seen a good officiant in action at a friend or relative’s wedding, or maybe you’ll get a referral from a colleague or neighbor. But if those personal recommendations don’t happen, like most couples, you’ll turn to the internet and use Google or similar services to find local officiants.

Once you’ve located a few officiants that look promising, you’ll need to initiate contact. So what’s the best way to do that, and how do you open the conversation? E-mail or a phone call, depending on your personal preference and schedule, works best for initial contact. Personally, I like e-mail – you can send your query when it is convenient for you, and pick up the response in the same manner. You can having a longer, more informative exchange than texting allows. It may also be more comfortable for you to compose your query as a note, rather than conversing on the phone with a stranger. However, if you’re working on a tight schedule, phone contact can be the quickest way to find your officiant.

So what do you ask in your initial phone call or e-mail? The first thing to determine is if the person is still offering wedding officiant services. Some websites are out of date, or the officiant from your cousin’s wedding 3 years ago may not be in business anymore. Next, ask if s/he is available on your wedding date. You’ll want to share your ceremony location and time as well, as some officiants are willing to schedule more than one ceremony per day, if the timing and locations allow.

Once you’ve determined the officiant’s availability, you’ll want to begin to evaluate if this person’s services match your needs. I suggest covering some basics in this area before meeting with the officiant, so you can save everyone’s time if you don’t match in this area. You’ll want to share, at a high level, what you’re looking for in your ceremony. For example, in your first e-mail after providing ceremony date, time and location information, you might write, “We are looking for a non-religious ceremony of about 30 minutes. We would like to write our own vows and have a reading and unity ritual included in the ceremony.” If the officiant is comfortable providing a ceremony that matches this description, scheduling time for a more indepth discussion is a good next step.

Next time I’ll talk about questions to ask the officiant at that initial meeting.

Marriage Without a Ceremony

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged ceremony / Marriage / wedding by

Marriage ceremonies take many different forms. There are intimate ceremonies with the couple and a few close family members and friends. There are large, elaborate wedding days shared with hundreds of guests. There are elopement ceremonies with a simple exchange of vows, and then there are certificate signing ceremonies.

You may not have heard of certificate signing or legalities only ceremonies before because they aren’t really ceremonies. They are a meeting (in Minnesota) of the couple, two witnesses over the age of 16, and a state registered officiant. We gather, usually at the couple’s home, where they each respond to a single question regarding their wish to be married. I am then able to pronounce them married and the legal paperwork is signed. I return the paperwork to the county government offices, and it is done. There are no vows, no readings, no rituals, and often, no rings. It is the bare minimum needed to meet the legal requirements for marriage in our state.

I’ve learned over time that there are a variety of reasons couples choose this option to get married. Sometimes the couple is planning a destination wedding outside the US, and prefers to marry legally in the States. Sometimes they have been together for many years, have an established life as a couple, and don’t see a traditional wedding experience as desirable. Sometimes the couple is planning a ceremony for a later date, but wish to move the date of their legal marriage to as soon as possible. And the reasons for being legally married quickly vary, too.

I’ve performed certificate signings for couples where one person has lost a job or is changing jobs and needs to be covered on the other person’s health insurance. I’ve worked with couples who are moving for a job opportunity, but the employer will only cover moving costs for both of them if they are married. Yet other couples seek a quick marriage due to pending military service.

While there is value in celebrating your marriage with family and friends, life sometimes gets in the way, and you need to marry quickly and/or simply. A certificate signing is the perfect response to these needs, and I’m happy to provide this service in Rochester. Just as each marriage experience will be unique, each wedding experience needs to fit each couple’s needs, too. Vive la difference!