Weddings

Hello, Is Anyone There?

 in Weddings by

Wedding days are busy days with many moving parts and lots of people involved. Being able to reach a knowledgeable person with a last minute question or problem is an essential, but often overlooked aspect of wedding planning. As you interact with vendors and wedding professionals during the planning stage, they will usually have one of the couple’s contact information – usually the bride. But if there is a last minute question on the wedding day, the bride is often the most difficult person to reach. For this reason you want to establish someone who will act as your “day of contact” person.

The day of contact person can be a personal attendant, a mother or father of the bride or groom, or even the maid of honor or best man (although these people are often very busy, too). You’ll want to arm your day of contact with a list of the people you’ve hired to provide various services throughout the day and night, along with their expected arrival time and phone and email contact information.
You’ll also want to provide your vendors with your day of contact’s name, phone number and email information, so they can reach out in case of an emergency.

I’ve seen the need for this communication focal point a number of times over the years. Once, the DJ who was to provide ceremony music had not arrived 15 minutes before ceremony start time. The bride, the only one with the name and phone number for the DJ, was away from the area having pictures taken. When found, she directed us to her phone, back in the dressing area. Of course, the phone was locked, and had to be taken to her to be unlocked, and finally the call could be placed to the tardy DJ.

Another time the florist didn’t arrive in time, and everyone walked in without bouquets, boutonnieres, and corsages. No one noticed until it was too late to recover so the bride made the call to proceed without the flowers. And finally, once the wrong cake was delivered to the reception site, but again no one had contact information and the bridal party was on a trolley ride when the mistake was noticed.

By sharing your day of contact person’s name and phone number with your vendors, you allow them to reach out with any last minute questions, clarifications, directions or other interactions they may need to initiate, too. This two way communication can be essential to having a smooth and disaster free event.

If you hire a wedding planner or a day of coordinator, they will gather or develop the needed contact information and schedules so they can manage these situations. If you are handling all the wedding plans yourselves, don’t forget to assign this important “day of contact” role to a responsible person, and provide them with the information they need to complete the task for you.

When Tradition Doesn’t Fit For You

 in Ceremony / Weddings by

There are a lot of traditions that have built up around weddings, but sometimes those traditions just don’t fit for you. It’s perfectly fine to start a new tradition or simply break with tradition and chart your own path. One tradition that can be fraught with emotion is the question of who will walk you down the aisle.

Traditionally, a bride’s father walks her down the aisle, but in some cases this isn’t the right choice or simply isn’t possible. If your father has passed, or has never been a part of your life, you’ll obviously need to approach this question differently, but there are other reasons, too. As we’ve moved away from the historical view of marriage as a property transfer of the bride from father to husband, it has come to represent more a leave taking from your birth family to the new family unit you will create with your new spouse. With this idea in mind, some brides choose to have both parents escort them into their wedding ceremony.

If you have both a father and a stepfather, they can share the role of escort by walking on each side, or by having your birth father escort you part way and your stepfather join in or escort you the rest of the way on his own. Your relationships with these men (and theirs with each other) can help you decide which approach is more appropriate for you.

One of the most challenging situations I’ve seen brides wrestle with is when they don’t have a father figure in their life. This can be because of death, emotional distance, or from not knowing their father at all. In these situations some brides have happily walked in with their mothers, honoring with this special role the woman who has raised them. Others have chosen and uncle or grandfather to represent the family that raised her.

Since many brides I work with are mid-twenties or older and have established themselves professionally and personally, another option I’m seeing them choose is to walk into their ceremony as a couple – the bride and groom or two brides or two grooms walking both in and out of their ceremonies together. This option reduces the focus on the families that raised you and focuses instead on you as an established couple choosing marriage together. It can be a powerful statement as well as a comfortable option to walk into your ceremony with the love of your life.

So if tradition doesn’t work for you, look for another option that fits you and your situation and allows you to joyously celebrate the day you cross the threshold into marriage with the person you love.

Lock Your Commitment to Love

 in Ceremony / Rituals / Weddings by

The Love Lock unity ritual has been around for awhile, but I had the opportunity to include it in a wedding ceremony for the first time recently. This ritual is said to have originated long ago in China, but the history is vague. It started to become popular more recently in places like Paris where loving couples locked a padlock onto a gate or chain as a permanent reminder of their commitment to each other.

Since most wedding ceremonies don’t take place near a fence or gate, creative and industrious people now offer free standing, decorative items that a lock can be placed onto. Usually after your exchange of vows and rings, you work together to lock a padlock onto a structure like a plaque or sculpture that can later be displayed in your home. The significance is that you have opened your hearts to each other and are now locking your love and hearts together forever in marriage. Some sets made for this ritual provide locks without any keys, but if your set has a key or keys, they are discarded after the lock is closed so there is no way to unlock it in the future.

Sample Props for the Love Lock Unity Ritual

Close up of love lock in place after the ritual

If you choose to include the Love Lock ritual, you might also consider readings that use lock imagery, or “key to my heart” phrasing as a way to carry the theme through your ceremony. The Love Lock ritual is a simple but visual way to recall your commitment to each other, and is a welcome addition to the growing number of unity ritual options available to you as you plan your wedding ceremony.

The Benefits of Wedding Rehearsals

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged wedding by

I admit it – I’m a fan of wedding rehearsals. I know that weddings aren’t rocket science, and that most follow a familiar format, but I think rehearsals are great stress relievers for everyone involved. If you are fortunate enough to have access to your ceremony venue the day (or two) before the wedding, it’s well worth your time to hold a rehearsal.

When I run a rehearsal for my couples, it focuses on the logistics of the ceremony, not the content. We gather all the people who will participate in the processional and in the ceremony in any capacity. Your parents and grandparents will appreciate knowing where and when they will line up, who will be escorting them up the aisle, and where they will be seated.

Once we’ve got the wedding party up in front, we can look at the group, help them identify landmarks in the space or even put tape on the floor if necessary so they know where to stand for the ceremony. Next, we walk through the ceremony – literally. We invite readers forward to practice with the microphone, and to learn where to stand when offering their reading. We practice any shifts in position that you will need to remember, and the cues that will tell you it’s time to move. For example, when I say, “Please prepare for your exchange of vows and rings,” that’s your cue to pass your bouquet to your maid of honor and face your partner. If you’re including a unity ritual in your ceremony, we walk through that as well.

We also rehearse the end of the ceremony, including the kiss, since many couples are a bit uncomfortable kissing in front of their guests, and we have a little fun with it at rehearsal to set you at ease. After the kiss we have the wedding party and parents recess as they will the next day, and then we do any or all of it one more time if you wish (but most couples are comfortable after the first round).

One thing we don’t do at rehearsal is practice your vows or the words of the ring vows. I practice those individually with you either immediately after rehearsal or in the hour before your ceremony, so those special moments aren’t shared too soon.

If you don’t have access to your ceremony venue for a rehearsal before your wedding day, rehearsal can be held in an alternate location – your home, back yard, or a space at your rehearsal dinner venue if you’re having one. Another alternative is a “day of walk through” which happens about 90 minutes before your ceremony, in your ceremony venue, and is a quicker version of the rehearsal. This can be a good option if you’re seeing each other before the ceremony, but you’ll want to schedule it after your first look experience with your photographer.

Rehearsals reduce stress for everyone involved and allow you all to relax and savor the ceremony experience without worrying about where and when to be moving about. That said, if you’re having a very simple ceremony with little to no wedding party and your parents will be seated before the processional begins, a rehearsal or even a walk through may not be necessary. If you’re very relaxed about the ceremony, and are OK if everything isn’t “perfect”, you may choose to pass on the rehearsal altogether, and that’s fine, too. Your day, your way.

A New Approach to Writing Vows

 in Ceremony / Weddings by

About half of the couples I marry choose to write their own vows. This allows their personalities to shine through, and allows them to make the personal promises they want to at this important moment. In reflecting on how to approach writing your own vows, I recently thought of a new idea that might work well for you.

Start by creating a single sentence that captures what you’re promising at a high level. For example you could say, “John, today I promise to love you, to support and respect you, and to build our future together with you.” Then, take a sentence or two to expand on each of those promises. Continuing the example, you could say, “I can’t imagine how I could love you more than I do today, but I know that my love is deeper and more profound than when we first fell in love 3 years ago. So I trust that by investing my time and focus in our relationship going forward, my love for you will grow in depth and strength in the coming years.”

You could continue in this manner, sharing how you will support your partner to achieve their goals; will be by their side to celebrate their successes and will be a loving listener and shoulder for them through challenging times. When you’ve expounded on each of the promises in the initial sentence, you’re ready to wrap up with a statement of happiness, love, appreciation, or whatever other emotion you are feeling as you gather with family and friends to publicly voice your commitment to the person you’re marrying.

This approach to writing vows will result in a coherent and focused vow that is appropriate in length, meaningful, and significant. It gives you the opportunity to inject humor, gravity, quirkiness, or a bit of your history, and still keep the focus on the promises you’re making to each other.

A variation on this approach would be to write the initial promise statement with your partner, and then alternate as you expand on what each part of the promise means to you. This would create a more conversational flow to your vows, and would hold the attention of your guests, too.

However you approach your wedding vows, they are the most important words of the day, so start thinking about and talking about them far in advance of your wedding day. You may start down one path, only to find out that a different approach works best for you. Give yourselves time and flexibility to make your vows what you really want them to be.