Weddings

When Your Parent is Missing

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged missing parent / wedding by

When your parent is missing from your wedding it can impact you in unexpected ways. Over the years I’ve worked with a number of couples dealing with this situation, and they’ve each approached it differently. The lesson here is that there is no single “right answer” for everyone, but with a little thought and discussion, you can find the answer that is right for you.

Here are a few situations and how each couple chose to address it:
– When the mother of the groom had recently died, the couple chose to hang a set of wind chimes, a favorite of hers, in the ceremony space. When the chimes rang, they felt close to her. We also explained the symbolism to the guests and spoke about how she had loved the couple and would so have liked to be there to celebrate with them on this special day.

– A recent bride lost her mother when she was very young, and an aunt and uncle had helped her dad raise her. She invited the aunt and uncle to walk in the processional and sit in the front row next to her dad.

– A few couples chose to walk into and out of their ceremony together. In one case it was because of difficult relationships with the parents, in another it was because the bride’s father had died, and in a third it was because they had been together so long they didn’t like the symbolism of the bride separating from her father/parents to join with the groom.

– Of course, another option if the bride’s father is not present for any reason is to have the bride’s mother escort her into the ceremony. Often the bride (or groom) and their mother are very close in these situations, and that is the natural solution.

– One couple chose to have me mention the parents who had died by name near the beginning of the ceremony, noting that they were especially missed on this special day.

– Other couples have included a memorial statement in their ceremony program recognizing parents and grandparents who have died.

– Yet another couple chose to place a rose on the chair where the groom’s mother would have been seated if she was still alive.

– And in yet a final situation, the couple chose not to mention the bride’s missing father at all. He boycotted the wedding because he disapproved of the man his daughter chose to marry. His absence was his loss.

As you can see, there are many ways to handle the situation when your parent is missing for any reason at your wedding ceremony. While it can be emotionally difficult to think about, working together as a couple and with your celebrant, you can address this situation in a way that is right for you and that allows you to fully enjoy your wedding day.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

 in Ceremony / Uncategorized / Weddings  tagged ceremony / rain / wedding / wedding rain by

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day. That children’s rhyme is every couples’ wish as their wedding day approaches. But no amount of planning and hoping is going influence the weather, so we must have plans that allow the wedding day to proceed gracefully, even when the weather doesn’t cooperate.

Weather has already been a significant issue with ceremonies this year. Multiple April snowstorms caused many couples to scramble. Weather has been a significant factor in all three of the last ceremonies I officiated. One ceremony was moved into an air conditioned space due to high heat, one was moved indoors due to rain, and for one we braved the high heat and humidity, keeping the ceremony outdoors as planned, but it was awfully uncomfortable.

It seems our weather is getting more unpredictable year to year, with high heat, strong storms and rain caused by unstable systems happening more frequently. Occasionally a couple tells me, “If it rains, people just need to bring umbrellas.” That’s not a practical response if the rain is wind driven, or if lightning is involved. It’s not reasonable to expect people to sit on wet chairs. Electrical sound equipment or valuable instruments cannot be used in wet conditions. Unity ritual props will be ruined sitting in the rain. And do you really want to spend the rest of the day in sodden clothes?

While a sun-dappled ceremony with a light breeze blowing in 72 degree weather may be your dream, it really is essential that you have a plan in place in case of inclement weather. Many reception facilities offer an indoor ceremony alternative these days. Make sure that you know when you will need to make the decision about an indoor or outdoor ceremony, and be ready to do so.

Indoor ceremonies in climate controlled spaces allow you and your guests to be comfortable, to focus on the significance of the moment, and to be ready to celebrate all day long. So if the rain (or heat or snow) comes, go ahead and sing, “Rain, rain, go away…” but be ready with a great indoor alternative and you’ll have great memories of your ceremony and your day.

Modern Marriage

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged ceremony / modern / modern marriage / wedding ceremony / weddings by

Modern marriage is a venture of equals. No longer is the bride viewed as property to be passed from father to husband. No longer is marriage a financial transaction to enhance the wealth of a man. No longer must a woman forfeit her money or property and lose all rights to either in the future. Thankfully, modern marriage is a joining of equals based on feelings of love and a commitment to build a future together.

Unfortunately, some of the traditions of the wedding ceremony have not kept up with the times. There are a few “traditional” parts of the ceremony that you may choose to drop or modify so the ceremony reflects your views and values. Here are just a few examples:

– The bride is traditionally escorted in to the ceremony by her father. Historically this represented the literal transference of the “property” -the bride- to the groom. In modern marriage the honor of escorting the bride (and the groom) can be given to the parents, or kept with the father to recognize a special, loving relationship. However, you are welcome to enter as a couple, you can enter alone, or you can choose to be escorted by anyone who has held a special place in your life.

– Upon arrival at the front of the ceremony space, the bride’s escort is traditionally asked, “Who gives this woman in marriage to this man?” or something similar. There is absolutely no reason this must be included in your ceremony, and most guests won’t even miss it if it’s not. A heartfelt hug shared with your escort before stepping forward with your partner is sufficient and lovely.

– Traditionally, the bride wore a veil over her face for the first part of the wedding ceremony. Her face was only revealed after the vows had been said. This prevented a groom who had never seen his bride before from bolting if he didn’t like her looks, or was done to preserve her modesty. Today only some brides choose to wear a veil at all, and do so as a fashion statement, not to prevent being seen.

– Wedding vows used to include the phrase, “love, honor and obey…”, but only for the bride. In modern wedding ceremonies you can choose to write your own vows or select vows that are meaningful and appropriate for the relationship you have built with each other.

– And finally, modern marriage uses parallel language, so it is no longer “man and wife” but “husband and wife” recognizing that you are both taking on a new role in marriage. Similarly, the introduction of the couple at the end of the ceremony is more likely to be “Mr and Mrs John and Mary Smith” or, if you’re not changing your last name, “… as a married couple, Mary Jones and John Smith”, or even, “Mary and John Jones-Smith”.

Modern marriage is a joining of two equal people, be they men, women or one of each, so make sure you review the language and rituals of your wedding ceremony to ensure it reflects your thinking and values.

An Accommodating Wedding

 in Ceremony / Venue / Weddings / Welcome  tagged accommodating wedding / accommodation / ceremony / disability / wedding by

Hosting an accommodating wedding means being thoughtful and planning for the needs of any differently abled guests and members of the wedding party. If you have bridesmaids, groomsmen, guests, or even if you yourself have mobility or other limitations there are many things to consider. The good news is that there are many small things you can do to ensure everyone is able to participate fully in your wedding day.

Hosting an accommodating wedding starts very early on in the planning process as you consider venues for your ceremony and reception. If people will be in wheelchairs, check for doorways wide enough to accommodate the chair. Look for ramps or lifts near any steps on the site. Check out the restrooms for accessibility, too. Now look at the ceremony space – can chairs be moved to allow a beloved grandparent a front view of the ceremony? Are aisles wide enough to accommodate the chair? And this would be a good time to avoid an aisle runner or other obstructions that could cause difficulties for wheelchairs or walkers. If people will be walking with crutches, check for even ground/floor surfaces that are not slippery.

When seeking to provide a welcoming and accommodating wedding experience, consider, too, people with sight or hearing limitations. They may need a reserved seat near the front, or near a speaker to fully appreciate the ceremony. A different kind of limitation is language. If parents or grandparents do not speak English, consider having your ceremony translated so they can follow along on a printed copy left on their seats. You may also choose to offer some or all of the ceremony in two languages to allow them to more fully participate.

Wheelchairs can be gracefully included in the processional with a bridesmaid holding the handle of the groomsman’s chair as he rolls down the aisle, or a festively decorated chair for the bride pushed by her escort as she enters the ceremony space. If standing for the duration of the ceremony is difficult, attendants can be seated in chairs to each side, and two chairs can be set for the bride and groom in the center of the space. If you’re able, you can choose to stand for the exchange of vows and rings, and return to chairs for the rest of the ceremony. It may also be possible to have a table on wheels rolled to you for your unity ritual.

With some thought, creativity and planning an accommodating wedding can be created that allows everyone to fully and comfortably celebrate with you as you cross the threshold into marriage. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated, and your day memorable when you seek to welcome everyone to the celebration.

Ceremony Start Time on Invitations

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged ceremony start time / wedding ceremony / weddings by

What ceremony start time should be noted on your wedding invitations? This is a question many couples struggle with as they plan their wedding day. Today’s day to day social scene is very relaxed. Gatherings are posted on social media and people come if they can and are interested. In contrast, a wedding day is a much more formal social event, but not everyone knows how to handle that.

Wedding etiquette says that guests should arrive approximately 15 – 20 minutes before the ceremony start time. This gives them time to park, find the ceremony site, make a quick restroom stop if needed, and be seated well before the wedding party is ready to enter the space. It has long been considered a serious faux pas to “race the bride down the aisle.” But it happens all to frequently these days. The worst offense I’ve seen is the late arriving guest who stepped between two bridesmaids as they made their way down the aisle, only to step around and in front of a number of guests already seated to reach an empty chair.

Because couples are aware that their guests may not arrive appropriately early for their wedding ceremony, they are left struggling to decide if they should “pad” the ceremony start time on their invitations. For example, they consider listing a 4:00pm ceremony time when they are really planning to begin at 4:30pm. While this may help solve the problem of late arriving guests, it creates other problems.

Some ceremony venues run very tight schedules, and your guests may not be allowed to enter until 15 minutes before the ceremony begins. This can leave your guests literally out on the sidewalk in the sun, rain, or other inclement weather. Even if they can access the ceremony space, if they arrive appropriately early based on the time your invitation indicates, their wait will be even longer. It is simply rude to leave polite guests waiting 45 minutes for a ceremony to start.

I suggest that you list your real ceremony start time on your invitations, and then enlist the aid of your families and friends to help spread the word that the ceremony will start promptly at the appointed time, and to please plan accordingly. I’ve also heard of couples who use their wedding websites to communicate this, and others who include a small note with their invitations if they know certain people habitually run late.

Weddings are formal social events, and while we don’t have many of those these days, it’s good form to understand the etiquette involved, and to enjoy the special experience.