Guests

Choosing a Secular Wedding

 in Ceremony / Guests / Personalization / Secular / Secular wedding  tagged personalized wedding / secular ceremonies / secular ceremony / secular wedding / wedding / wedding ceremony by

Choosing a secular wedding when parents or other important family members are religious can be challenge. You want your wedding day to be a celebration of love and of you. But if you and your family aren’t on the same page when it comes to religion it can be difficult.

A recent article in Brides magazine captured the issue perfectly, offering, “You deserve to have a wedding ceremony that is meaningful to you. You also deserve a wedding that is a celebration rather than a catalyst for hurt feelings and damaged relationships.”

Last week I wrote about ways to make your ceremony reflect you. Deciding whether or not to include religious content in your ceremony is certainly an important aspect of being authentic. An increasing number of couples are non-religious or at least non-practicing so opting for a secular ceremony makes a lot of sense. But wedding days are also about the people you love, and if they are deeply religious, choosing a secular wedding can open the door to a lot of negativity.

I’ve worked with many couples facing this issue and have seen their anxiety as they struggle to be authentic and respectful and caring all at the same time. While every situation is unique, I can share with you that I’ve had many religious parents and grandparents approach me after weddings to tell me how wonderful the ceremony was, and how well it reflected the couple.

Since secular ceremonies are not bound by religious requirements and don’t include a traditional sermon, there’s more flexibility to create a ceremony that’s all about you. We can tell your love story. We can include music and a reading that is meaningful to you or reflects your relationship. You can say vows that you’ve written yourselves or that you’ve chosen because they reflect the promises you feel in your hearts.

Interestingly, many guests don’t even notice the lack of religious content in a well written and delivered secular ceremony. They appreciate the focus on the couple and the flow of the ceremony. Choosing a secular ceremony is more about crafting a ceremony that truly reflects you than what you are leaving out (the religion part). If a secular ceremony is the right choice for you, stand together, stand proud, and start your wedding day with a ceremony you’re proud to call your own.

Including Grandparents in Your Wedding

 in Celebration / Ceremony / Guests / Weddings  tagged grandparent memorial / grandparents / wedding / wedding ceremony / wedding processional / wedding readings by

Including grandparents in your wedding is a great way to honor your family heritage and to express appreciation to these special people in your life. There are some things to consider, though, when planning for their participation in your wedding.

First, you’ll want to treat all the grandparents who are able to attend your ceremony the same. For example, if it is important to you to have a particular set of grandparents included in your processional, then all grandparents should be included. When deciding whether or not to have your grandparents walk in as part of the processional, you’ll want to consider their preferences, their health and mobility, the venue, and the size of your wedding party.

It’s good to talk to your grandparents about the possibility of walking in the processional, so you learn if they would prefer to stay out of the spotlight or are happy to participate. One reason they may choose not to participate is if their health is fragile or mobility is an issue for them.

Look, too, at the venue. Will you be asking your elders to walk over rocky or uneven ground or walk a significant distance? If so, they may opt out. Finally, look at the size of your wedding party and the length of the processional with and without the grandparents. If you have 8 bridesmaids and groomsmen, two ring bearers, three flower girls and a variety of parents and step-parents who will all need to walk in, along with the two of you, before the ceremony can begin, you might opt to leave the grandparents out of the processional.

If you decide not to have the grandparents walk in the formal processional, you’ll still want to have reserved seating for them up front. Don’t forget to let them know about it, too, so they can look for it or tell an usher who will seat them appropriately.

Another great way of including grandparents in your wedding is to have them offer a reading. If you’re fortunate enough to have a set of grandparents who have been married for a long time, perhaps they could share a reading on love or marriage. Guaranteed to not have a dry eye in the group.

But what if your grandparents aren’t able to attend because of health, distance, or because they have died? There are still ways of including your grandparents in your wedding in these situations.

Wedding Memorial Table

You may place a table at the back of the ceremony venue with their pictures and a message like, “In loving memory…Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved and missed, so very dear.” You can include memorial wording in your ceremony or in your program. Or you can include wedding pictures of your parents and grandparents on a special table near your cake in the reception space. All are great ways to remember these wonderful people who played a part in making you the person you are on your wedding day.

Thoughtfully including grandparents in your wedding will add depth and meaning to your day for you and for your guests. It’s a great way to celebrate those who are able to be with you, and to remember those who are not.

Receiving Line or Alternatives

 in Ceremony / Guests / Weddings  tagged receiving line / wedding / wedding ceremonies / wedding ceremony / wedding guests / weddings by

A receiving line is the traditional way for you to greet your guests immediately following your wedding ceremony. But you have alternatives, choices and modifications available to you today. A traditional receiving line involves you, your parents and your wedding party lined up at the back of your ceremony venue to greet and receive the congratulations of your guests. It serves the purpose of ensuring that you have at least a moment to speak directly with each of your guests. Depending on the size of your guest list it can be tricky to ensure that you connect with absolutely everyone during the less formal parts of your wedding day, but some people find the traditional receiving line to be artificial, uncomfortable and slow.

If you like the concept of a receiving line for the benefit of connecting with everyone, you can move things along and simplify the experience by having only you two and your parents form the line. This relieves your attendants of the awkward moment of making small talk with many strangers (as they likely don’t know many of your guests). Make the experience even more personal (and the line move even more quickly) by limiting it to only you and your new spouse. Your parents and attendants can circulate among your guests, help people find the social hour venue, and generally get the party started.

Especially if you have a smaller number of guests, say 100 or fewer, you may want to eliminate the receiving line altogether. In this case, you will need to make a concerted effort to speak with each guest during the festivities following the ceremony. As hosts of the event, you will want to thank them for coming to share in your special day. As the focal point of the day, your guests will want at least a moment to express their best wishes to you. One way to ensure you speak with everyone is to make the rounds while your guests are seated for dinner. If you’re having a “stand up” reception or if you think you can keep track of everyone during informal moments like the social hour, you can chat with people then, too.

It’s a great idea to consider all wedding traditions and then decide which of them you wish to include in your wedding day. It’s fine to have a receiving line if it makes your day easier, or to opt for a less formal way to engage with your guests. Whatever you choose, you’ll want to touch base with all your guests to celebrate with the people who came to share your special day.

Meaningful Rituals: Your Wedding Ceremony, Part 3

 in Ceremony / Guests / Personalization / Rituals / Unity Rituals / Weddings  tagged personalized rituals / personalized wedding / unity ritual / wedding / wedding ceremony / wedding guests / wedding rituals / weddings by

Meaningful rituals can raise your wedding ceremony from interesting to truly memorable. Over the last two weeks we’ve talked about ways to make your ceremony uniquely yours by starting with the basics and using thoughtful choices of music and readings to reflect your personalities and interests. Choosing to include meaningful rituals is yet another way to make your ceremony your own.

Ring Warming, courtesy of Midwest Life Shots

Starting early in your ceremony, a ring warming ritual can bring your guests into the ceremony in a real way. Sending your rings among your guests to be imbued with their love and best wishes for you, this ritual happens in parallel as your ceremony continues. Or later in the ceremony, having your guests imbue pebbles with their wishes can create a memento of your ceremony.

Unity rituals that celebrate your exchange of vows are common these days, but the ritual itself doesn’t have to be. Love letters, tree plantings, handfastings, and flower blendings are all newer, interesting rituals with lovely symbolism. If your a traditionalist a candle lighting or sand blending can be made special and personal with add-ons and personal wording, too.

Love Letters

The absolute most meaningful rituals are those created expressly for you. Working with your celebrant you can celebrate your heritage, honor a special moment from your courtship, or share a part of your life through a custom written unity ritual. Examples I’ve written for couples include ice cream sharing, Turkish tea brewing, cairn creation, and whiskey sharing. In each case we were able to share something significant about the couple as part of the ritual, letting the guests know them a little better and creating a memorable moment.

Investing yourselves to collaborate with your celebrant you can define the outline of your ceremony, including those elements that are meaningful to you. You can share your personalities through selecting music and readings that you love or that represent your feelings toward each other. And you can select or create meaningful rituals to draw your guests into your ceremony and celebrate your love and commitment as a couple in a memorable way.

As 2020 couples begin to engage with celebrants to craft ceremonies you are limited only by the creativity of you and your celebrant. Have fun as you make your ceremonies uniquely your own.

Making Everyone Welcome at Your Wedding

 in Ceremony / Guests / Unity Rituals / Weddings  tagged wedding ceremony / wedding guests / weddings by

Making everyone welcome at your wedding is one of the most gracious things you can focus on as the hosts of your big day. I’ve written previously about ensuring your ceremony venue is accessible for guests with disabilities but there are other ways to increase your guests’ comfort, too.

If you have a number of guests who are not fluent in English you might consider translating your final ceremony into their preferred language and making those copies available to them before the ceremony begins. This allows them to follow along and feel connected to what is happening.

One couple I worked with went further when the groom and his entire family spoke little English. They hired a translator for the ceremony. I knew about this ahead of time, and was able to assist the translator by providing a copy of the ceremony in advance so she could have her translation ready. I had also written the ceremony focusing on short paragraphs and simpler sentences so there were frequent breaks for translation. If you take this approach, make sure you opt for a shorter ceremony as your guests will be sitting through the equivalent of two ceremonies.

Turkish tea Ritual

Once, the groom, his family and most of his guests were from Turkey. They didn’t want to translate the ceremony, but wanted these important people to feel connected to what was happening. They had the reading offered in both English and Turkish, and we wove a Turkish tea ritual through the entire ceremony. The couple had met over Turkish tea, and often shared tea as they connected at the end of each day. The ingredients, the preparation and the sharing of the tea were all described as analogies to marriage. The guests who couldn’t understand English saw a familiar ritual, and saw the couple valuing the groom’s (and their) heritage.

Making everyone welcome at your wedding takes some thought and creativity, but the rewards are awesome. Your ceremony is more personal, your guests feel more connected to you and everyone is ready for more celebrating afterward.