Ceremony

This is the final blog in the Ceremony Series, focusing on when and why ceremony is useful in our lives. We are social beings, and as such we often look to our community – family and friends – to support us, to celebrate with us, and in general to recognize significant moments in our lives.

We talk frequently about “the big three” kinds of ceremonies – baby welcomings, weddings and funerals or memorial services. These are ceremonies that mark very visible and defined moments in life: the birth or adoption of a child, marriage and death. Most people experience most of these events, and coming together to celebrate and support one another through ceremony at these moments is not only common, but almost expected.

But there are many other times that ceremony can be useful in your life. If you are experiencing a change in your status, ceremony can help you focus on, appreciate or accept, and assist you in moving forward. A great example here is retirement. You have accomplishments that deserve to be recognized as you retire, but this can also be a very stressful time as your day to day world will be changing dramatically. You can use ceremony to help you accept that you are leaving behind a part of how you have defined yourself for much of your adult life. And you can use ceremony to help you focus on new goals and directions for your life that will bring new experiences, new satisfactions, and new challenges. By sharing the ceremony experience with close family and friends, you can be reminded of the love and support that surround you as you move into a new phase of your life.

Personal ceremonies can also be meaningful and helpful as you move through life. You may choose to have a private ceremony (you alone, with one supportive other, or a few close family members) as you seek the strength, support and direction to deal with a serious illness. On a lighter note, you and your spouse may hold a private ceremony to mark the empty nest moment when your youngest child leaves the house and parenting and marriage take on new meaning for you. These personal, sometimes challenging moments that life presents to us can be eased with mindfulness, small rituals, and other aspects of ceremony.

Ceremony, then, can be used at any time to mark your journey through life. It can be performed in a solitary or community setting, in any venue that is meaningful for you. Ceremony can bring solace and support or celebration. It can be used to focus on the present moment, your past experiences, your future goals, or some combination of the three. Ceremony can be as formal as a wedding, or as informal as lighting a candle at home or releasing a paper boat on a stream. You can create your own ceremony, or you can seek the assistance of a trained celebrant to work with you to develop a ceremony that meets your objectives, is respectful of who you are, and that honors this moment in your life.

Life is full of significant moments, and ceremony is a great way to make them memorable, to celebrate them, or to find support and strength. Don’t miss the opportunities ceremony offers in your life.

In the last two weeks we’ve explored what ceremony is and who it is for. Today we examine where ceremonies are held. Historically, most ceremonies are held in religious buildings – churches, synagogues, or mosques. These ceremonies are often highly scripted, following requirements of the religion.

Today, however, ceremonies are held in all kinds of places. You’ll find weddings in parks, on golf courses, in hotel ballrooms, museums, theaters, art centers and private homes. Baby welcoming ceremonies are often held at home, either indoors or in the yard. Many funeral homes have created ceremony space within their facilities, and memorial services can also take place outdoors, in halls or other venues. Small, personal ceremonies can take place virtually anywhere.

Especially if you are not connected to a religious community a secular venue may be most comfortable for you. Many facilities with event space are opening them up for ceremonies, and can be very good to work with. I’ve personally performed weddings at the Science Museum of Minnesota, the Rochester Civic Theatre, the Rochester Art Center and the Minnesota Arboretum to name a few interesting venues. Our local golf clubs also welcome ceremonies (you don’t need to be a member to rent their facilities) and offer another benefit – one stop celebrations.

If you hold your ceremony and whatever reception or gathering follows that in one location, you’ve simplified the experience for your guests, especially out of town guests who are unfamiliar with the area. With a single venue event you can gracefully flow from ceremony to social hour to dinner, or whatever activities you are including in your celebration.

For smaller ceremonies, your own home may be the perfect venue. A small table can serve as a focal point for the ceremony, guests (if any) can be comfortably seated, and again, the ceremony can flow gracefully with any preceding or following activities. If the ceremony is focused on the home, either a house warming or a house leaving ceremony, home is the most appropriate venue, but being in your own space can also be very comforting for support or transition ceremonies.

When selecting the venue for your ceremony you’ll want to consider the size of your guest list, the facilities available at each venue, accessibility and services offered, and your personal style and preferences. In an ideal world, the venue will have a connection to you or the honorees: perhaps a theater for a performer, a science museum for a couple of scientists, or an outdoor space for campers or hikers. In those situations the ceremony venue becomes an integral part of the ceremony and is another way to personalize and bring meaning to your ceremony experience.

Last week I wrote that ceremony, at base, allows us to acknowledge our movement through life and to mark the significant moments we experience. Ceremony, then, needs to available to everyone as we move through the natural lifecycle experiencing birth, death and all the significant milestones in between.

There are well established traditions around what I refer to as “the big three” ceremonies, meaning birth, marriage and death which are the milestone moments most universally celebrated with ceremony. I maintain, however, that there are benefits to be gained from recognizing other significant moments in life. A perfect example at this time of year is empty nest. The moment when your child leaves home can have a profound effect on you as a parent or as a couple. The focus of your life changes, and your relationship with your child changes. This is a moment when ceremony can be particularly helpful. You may choose to have a personal ceremony for yourself alone, or for you and your spouse to mark this moment in life when you release some of your daily parenting responsibilities and renew your commitment to and focus on each other. You may include rituals, music, and reflection in a ceremony of this kind.

Personal ceremonies are appropriate for some of the most personal moments of transition in your life, like empty nest, or a private achievement. But sometimes it is helpful to draw a small circle of supportive people around you to recognize significant moments. Examples here can be support ceremonies in times of illness, divorce ceremonies, crossroads ceremonies following a job layoff, or a house leaving ceremony as you downsize or move following a death or divorce.

These intimate ceremonies can be incredibly helpful as you deal with some of the challenging moments in life. They provide the opportunity to put the experience in perspective, to focus on the feelings you are experiencing, to draw loving support from caring people, to release negative feelings, and to be able to move forward and focus on the future and the opportunities that can be found in the situation.

Every person experiences both positive and difficult moments in their life, and ceremony is a tool that can help you celebrate, cope, find strength and support as needed. In American society, however, we are experiencing a bit of a disconnect regarding ceremony. Religious institutions have become the primary source of ceremonies, but people are moving away from organized religion in increasing numbers. Ceremony is not tied to any religion – it is a human response to our life experience. Ceremony is for everyone who sees the potential value in reflection, celebration, support, and community as you walk through life. Increasingly, there are celebrants who can help you develop a ceremony to honor this moment in your life in a way that is authentic and meaningful for you, so search us out, and allow us to support you in your journey.

We’ve all been to a wedding and a funeral, but what really defines a ceremony? What differentiates a ceremony from a party? Ceremony is a thoughtful, usually planned, experience intended to mark a significant moment or experience in life. If can be a standalone experience or can be part of a larger experience. A wedding ceremony is usually followed by a reception. A funeral is usually followed by a shared meal or gathering at someone’s home.

Ceremony has been part of the human experience virtually forever. Native tribes celebrated a successful hunt along with the major human milestones of birth and death with ceremony. Many cultures developed ceremonies around coming of age: the Jewish bar and bat mitzvah and Hispanic quinceneara ceremonies are examples that still exist today. And every culture has developed ceremony around marriage as a key milestone moment in life and a key characteristic of a successful society.

Each of these ceremonies is different, of course, but they share some things in common. Music and rituals are the cornerstones of most ceremonies. Wise words, in the form of poetry, passages from holy books, or orations by elders of the community are also common. Fancy dress and special roles for selected members of the community may be a part of ceremony, too.

These days ceremonies take on many different forms, but at base they allow us to acknowledge our movement through life and to mark the significant moments we experience. So now that we understand what ceremony is, we can look at who benefits from ceremony in next week’s blog. Stay tuned…