Ceremony

Memorial Services: An Unexpected Joy

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Memorial Services offer an unexpected joy and are an honor to participate in. I only perform a handful of memorials each year – most of my time is spent working with couples preparing for their wedding; hopefully, one of the happiest days of their lives.

Memorial services on the other hand, bring people together when they are sad and grieving the loss of a loved one or close friend. While these are undoubtedly sad occasions, with each memorial I write I am reminded of the significance and impact of each life. It has been a true honor to memorialize two very different women in recent months. The first focused her life on her family in a very traditional way. Her priorities were supporting her husband and raising her children. She was a significant and positive force in the life of her grandchildren, too. Her legacy lives on in her descendants without a doubt. But during her memorial we also spoke about her strength to come to this country as a young wife and mother who didn’t know the language or culture. The quiet leadership she provided as she passed on values and traditions and culture from her home country. The place she made for herself in the community with volunteerism and a strong group of friends. It was a joy to facilitate the sharing of all those aspects of that woman to her family and friends and help them see their mother and grandmother in yet another light.

Even more recently I helped memorialize another woman who was both very similar to and very different from the woman described above. This woman was also an immigrant to this country, and she had an incredibly close circle of friends in her town. However, she did not have children (or grandchildren, of course). And she was a professional woman, a scientist, who worked in multiple countries over the years. Her work was groundbreaking, and was documented in many scientific papers. She built and maintained friendships over many decades, and was mourned by people literally around the world when she passed. She loved her husband passionately, and her father deeply. She loved art in many forms and treasured her garden and her pets. Because many of the people who attended her memorial service had known her primarily through work, they were able to learn about her and appreciate even more the woman she was.

Two very different lives, each special and memorable in their own way. While I never knew either woman, I now carry both of them with me, knowing they each set their own path through life, and have left their mark on the world. It is through the creation and performance of their memorial services that I came to know these women, and I am changed by it. It was an honor and joy to be a small part of celebrating the lives they lived. I see the world differently because of what I’ve learned about them and how they embraced life. I hope to live life as well as they did. Rest in peace my friends, and know that you have impacted the world in ways you could never imagine.

The Benefits of Hiring Professionals

 in Ceremony / Music / Officiant / Weddings  tagged officiant / professionals by

There are benefits to hiring professionals for your wedding day. You can ask friends and relatives to help with many tasks associated with your wedding, from making signs to creating welcome bags for out of town guests staying at hotels; from helping to address invitations to greeting guests at the ceremony. But there are some tasks that I suggest are best handled by professionals.

I will admit that I am biased, since I’m one of the professionals you can hire for your wedding day, but stay with me as I make my case. You probably have an amateur photographer among your acquaintances who could take pictures at your wedding. But they likely will not have the experience or equipment to capture all the special moments that a professional photographer would. And you can certainly ask a friend to run your recorded music for your ceremony, but do you have appropriate speakers so the music will be heard? Will that friend know when to start, stop or cycle a given song so the last part of the processional doesn’t happen in silence and you don’t have to stand awkwardly waiting for the music to finish? Professional DJs and live musicians with wedding experience can ensure there are no awkward silences or over long musical interludes.

Those are just two examples of the difference between using professional vendors and gracious friends and family. Within the world of wedding ceremony trends I cringe when people tell me they’ve asked a brother, uncle or friend to act as their officiant. I’m personally busy enough that I’m not concerned with losing business to this trend, but I worry about the resulting ceremony for a couple of reasons. First, the person acting as officiant often knows one of you better than the other, and likely has a limited perspective on your relationship. This can result in an unbalanced ceremony that doesn’t really focus on you, your love and commitment to each other. You really don’t want your ceremony to sound like the warm-up for the evening’s toasts.

The second reason I worry is because these well-intentioned folks usually don’t have training in what we call the “emotional arc” of the ceremony. A well designed ceremony will carry you and your guests on a journey – it will build to a crescendo, and close with feelings of hope and excitement for your future. Untrained officiants are likely to place ceremony elements in a haphazard order, or draw focus to concepts out of order in a way that leaves everyone feeling a bit at sea. And worst case, the untrained officiant might not follow state requirements to be able to perform a legal ceremony for you, or may get cold feet and back out altogether, only weeks or days before your wedding.

For all the above reasons, I encourage you to consider hiring professionals to handle what you consider to be the most important parts of your wedding day, and to engage your helpful family and friends to work on the surrounding tasks – or just enjoy being welcomed guests. This approach will lead to a memorable wedding day and will reduce the potential for various disasters.

Finding Your Ideal Officiant

 in Ceremony / Officiant / Weddings  tagged ceremony / officiant / wedding by

Finding your ideal officiant is different than finding an officiant. Last week I wrote about how to begin your search for a wedding officiant – the person who will make your marriage legal, and who will preside at your wedding ceremony. But you don’t want just anyone serving in this important role. Your wedding ceremony is a personal, intimate experience that takes place in front of all the people you’ve invited to share your wedding day. That’s a tricky balance to strike. You want your ceremony to be memorable, special, unique and authentic for you as a couple. So how do you find your ideal officiant; the person that can deliver that?

When speaking with potential wedding officiants, I encourage you to evaluate them against these five criteria:
1. Does s/he share my vision for the ceremony? This encompasses things including the amount of humor you want, the ways you want to involve your guests, your approach/wishes regarding your vows, and the level of religiosity you want.

2. Is s/he open to my requests and priorities? This is similar to number 1, but more specific. If you indicate a preference for something, does the officiant listen to what you’re saying and incorporate your ideas in the outline and ceremony plans?

3. Do I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with the officiant? You want to be able to say “no” to ideas that don’t fit you or that you don’t want to spend time on during your ceremony. At its best, your wedding ceremony reflects you as a couple, so you need to be able to share your experiences and personalities with the officiant. If you’re not comfortable doing that, s/he’s probably not the right person for you to work with.

4. Does s/he offer ideas or suggestions I didn’t know about? Can this person help take the ceremony beyond what you had considered? Even if you decline the suggestions they offer, knowing that you’ve considered many options will make you more confident that you will get the ceremony you want for your wedding day

5. Do I have reason to believe that this person can deliver on their promises in a quality way? Basically this gets to the officiant’s education, experience, referrals, references or testimonials. A new officiant my be highly motivated to do a good job for you, but having seen their work personally or getting a referral from a family member or friend whose opinion you value can really increase your confidence in an officiant.

Every reputable officiant will offer the the opportunity to talk with them before hiring them. This can take the form of an in person meeting, a phone call or a Skype or Face Time discussion, but you deserve to get to know them a bit, ask all the questions you have, and be able to assess them against the five criteria, above. When you find someone who meets all those criteria, you’ve found a person you can hire with confidence. You’ve found your ideal officiant!

Two sad words: Not Available

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Not available – two sad words I’ve had to say too many times in recent days. I received inquiries from couples both at the Unveiled wedding show last month and via email in recent days for 2018 dates that are already booked on my calendar. I had to tell these couples that I am not available to work with them on their ceremonies.

We are definitely at the point where 2018 couples are actively looking for a wedding officiant, and calendars are beginning to fill for the high demand months of next year. If you are getting married next year and haven’t yet secured your wedding officiant, now is the time to take action. If you’re not connected to a faith community, it can be difficult to find an officiant. Here are a few ways to tackle the situation:

1. Ask your ceremony/reception venue manager for referrals. They know who has performed ceremonies at their venue before, and who does a good job.
2. Ask friends, family or co-workers who have recently married who officiated for them, and what their experience was with their officiant.
3. Google “wedding officiant Rochester” or the city where your ceremony will be held.

Now that you have a few names, you want to spend a little time thinking about and talking with your fiance(e) about what you want in your ceremony. Think about what you’ve seen at weddings you’ve attended. Are there things you definitely do or don’t want in your own ceremony? Think about your vows (the most important part of your ceremony). Do you want to write your own, or want the officiant to provide samples to choose from? Think about the role you want to play in the creation of your ceremony. Do you want to write some or most of it yourselves, or collaborate with your officiant on the outline and leave the writing to her/him?

Now it’s time to reach out to officiants. Use whatever contact information you have – phone or email are most common. This is often the most intimidating part of the process, as you may not know where to start the conversation. I suggest a simple, “Hi, my name is ___, we’re getting married on at , and are interested in considering your services as a wedding officiant.” You’ve provided key information to the officiant, and they can pick up the conversational (or email) ball from there.

While 2018 bookings are definitely picking up, there are still many open dates on my calendar, so don’t hesitate. Please reach out with your wedding date and venue and let’s start a conversation. Hopefully I won’t have to use those sad words: I’m not available.

The next step is finding not just an officiant, but the right officiant for your wedding. And that’s the focus of next week’s blog.

Ensuring your Ceremony Hits the Right Note

 in Ceremony / Music / Weddings  tagged ceremony music / wedding ceremony by

Your ceremony hits the right note when your music is fully integrated and flawlessly performed. When that happens it sets the tone, highlights important ceremony moments, and transitions your guests on to the reception. But music can also hit a sour note, becoming a distraction, leading to awkward silences, and destroying the vision you had for your ceremony.

I’ve had recent experiences at both ends of the spectrum. At one wedding the couple wanted the recorded music played by a family friend. The problem started when they didn’t select that person ahead of time, and did not have the person at the rehearsal so they could see where the music fit into the ceremony. On the wedding day, the person played bits of all the ceremony music while the attendants entered, trying to get to the right piece. The bride actually came in to the recessional song, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”. Then at the end of the ceremony the device had locked up and the responsible person didn’t know the passcode. It was a quiet recessional, and definitely not what the couple envisioned. Note that if you are having a professional DJ play your recorded music, you don’t need to have them attend the rehearsal, but all amateurs need to be there.

A music disaster was barely averted at another recent ceremony. The couple wanted a piece of music that was special to them played during the ceremony. I included an introductory comment about the significance of the music in the ceremony and thought we were all set to go. When I was reviewing the cue sheet I had prepared for their professional DJ however, she was unaware of the song in the middle of the ceremony. Luckily, she was able to locate and download the music to her computer and insert it into her playlist for the ceremony. Everything worked out OK, but this is a caution to make sure you let your DJ know ahead of time about all the music you want as part of the ceremony.

And finally, the positive experience: This couple selected music that was particularly meaningful to them for both the processional and ring warming ritual. They shared the significance of these pieces with me, and I was able to draw the guests’ attention to it, and even wrap some of the lyrics into my opening comments. This kind of information sharing allowed the music and ceremony to be intertwined in a way that enhanced both.

So when you’re doing your wedding planning, remember to focus on the ceremony music you want and take steps to ensure that it hits the right note to start off your wedding celebration.