Kathy

Five Important Questions to Ask Wedding Celebrants

 in Celebrant / Ceremony / Secular wedding / Wedding Celebrant / Wedding Ceremony / Weddings  tagged officiant / wedding / wedding celebrant / wedding ceremony / wedding officiant by


There are five important questions to ask wedding celebrants when selecting the person to create and offer your ceremony. This article has an even more exhaustive list, but these five will give you the most critical information. While it can feel a bit intimidating engaging with celebrants or officiants, they are there to help you have the wedding you envision. They are ready and willing to provide the information you need to decide if you want to work with them.


Kathy officiating ceremony

The five important questions to ask wedding celebrants

  1. Are you available on our wedding date? Do you serve our venue? These are very practical questions that should be asked up front. If the answer to either is “no”, you don’t need to invest more time with that celebrant.
  2. Are you legally credentialed to officiate marriages in our state/county/city? Another simple but essential question. You want your ceremony to legally marry you. Each state, and sometimes more local jurisdictions has different laws defining who can legally marry people.
  3. Do you offer the non-religious (or particular type of religious) ceremony we are interested in? As participation in organized religion drops, more people want a secular or non-religious ceremony. Celebrants who are affiliated with a religion will often not offer a secular ceremony. Or they will slip in god references, often without thinking about it. You can have the kind of ceremony you want if you ask for it.
  4. Will we be able to have input to the ceremony? How will that happen? Some celebrants do not provide a draft of the ceremony to couples before the wedding day. If you want to participate in the creation of your ceremony, or want reassurance that it will meet your expectations, ask how this can happen.
  5. If we want to have a rehearsal, will you attend and run it for us? Rehearsals are a great way to reduce stress and make everyone comfortable before the wedding day. If you plan to hold a rehearsal you’ll want to know if your celebrant will come and run it for you.

Important Questions to Ask Yourselves

While those are the five important questions to ask wedding celebrants, there are equally important questions to ask yourselves. After meeting with a prospective officiant or celebrant ask yourselves: Do we feel comfortable with this person? Will we be able to ask questions of them? Do we think they will respect our wishes and input for the ceremony? Do they provide a ceremony contract that documents our agreement?

Obtain answers to these five important questions to ask wedding celebrants. Follow with the questions to ask yourselves and you’ll be on your way to selecting your ideal wedding celebrant.

Making Space

 in Ceremony / Wedding Ceremony / Wedding planning  tagged ceremony planning / ceremony space / wedding ceremony / wedding planning by

Making space at your ceremony venue for all ceremony activities is an important part of your wedding planning. If you are having an outdoor ceremony, or an indoor ceremony where the front of the space is not well defined, you’ll want to plan for how much space you’ll need.

You want space at the front of your ceremony venue to gracefully accommodate you, your celebrant, and your wedding party. But you also need to allocate space for your reader to stand. You may also need a table for any ritual props. Don’t forget to save space for anyone else who is participating in the ceremony. This could be children helping with a family ritual, or parents (or others) helping with a handfasting or other ritual. If you are having floral arrangements, arches, or other decor, space will need to be planned for that, too.

As you consider all this, you’ll realize there may be a lot of people and things that need to be in the ceremony space. If you don’t have enough space you increase the chances of people tripping, dresses being crushed, or decor being tipped. And your photos of the ceremony may show cramped wedding parties or awkward positioning.

Make sure you place the chairs for your guests far enough back to provide the space you need. But don’t let them drift so far back that they feel disconnected from what’s happening. This is where a rehearsal can be very helpful. When you get your entire wedding party, you two, and your celebrant up in front, you’ll get a real feel for the space. At that time you can consider placement for your decor, ceremony props and guest chairs. Walking through the ceremony at rehearsal allows you to choose where a reader stands, where to place a ritual table, and how everyone will move in the space. Making space for everything and everyone becomes more real at a rehearsal and will help the actual ceremony run smoothly.

Including Children in Your Ceremony

 in Blended family / Wedding Ceremony / Wedding planning / Weddings  tagged blended family / children in weddings / wedding ceremony / weddings by

Including children in your ceremony is a lovely idea, but must be done with care. Your children from a previous relationship become part of a new blended family when you marry. While you are excited and positive about this new phase of your life, they may have very mixed feelings.

Depending on the situation, your children may view your fiance(e) as an interloper. They may feel that your attention is now divided, and they may be resentful. Maybe they haven’t had enough time to really know this new person yet. They may feel loyalty to their other parent.

If your new fiance(e) also has children, the situation is more complex. In addition to becoming acquainted with a new step-parent to be, they will need to build relationships with new step-siblings. Simple things like sharing rooms, and having more activity and people around the house can create stress.

Understanding your children’s feelings about your upcoming marriage is critical when planning your wedding ceremony. Plan to have a chat with them about it during a quiet, private time. Ask about their feelings. Ask about their concerns. Don’t try to “fix” their feelings, but understand and accept them. It’s helpful to give your children options regarding their level of involvement in the ceremony.

Perhaps they would be most comfortable simply sitting with grandparents. Maybe they want to hand out programs to guests as they enter the ceremony space. They might be interested in walking you down the aisle. And maybe they even want to participate in some kind of family ritual during the ceremony.

Family Sand

All of these are options. Notice, however, that none of them involve the children speaking during the ceremony. Especially if the children are teenagers or younger, I recommend not asking them to speak. You can make promises to them if you wish. Perhaps they want to join in a family sand blending ritual. Or maybe they even want to stand up as a junior bridesmaid or groomsman. But having a child speak in front of your guests can be very stressful for them. They may be experiencing conflicting or uncertain emotions at the actual ceremony. Allow them the space they need to process the significance of your marriage.

If they are interested in participating, including children in your ceremony can provide memorable moments and great photos. But you’ll want to avoid trauma and stress if your children aren’t interested in joining in. You’ll have lots of time after the wedding day for your children to become more comfortable with the situation. Keep their thoughts and concerns front of mind while planning your special day.

Too Much of a Good Thing

 in Rituals / Wedding Ceremony / Weddings  tagged ceremony customization / custom ritual / customization / owl ring bearer / personalized wedding / wedding ceremony by


Too much of a good thing is possible in wedding ceremonies, too. I often encourage couples to personalize their wedding ceremonies with rituals and special moments that reflect them. But you can cross a line here. Using an interest or experience to create a memorable moment is a great idea, but do step back and consider the bigger picture.

Back in 2018 a couple in the UK decided to have an owl act as their ring bearer. I’m not sure if they had a particular interest in the animals, or were just looking for a “wow” moment. But they got more than expected. When the time came for the bird to deliver the rings, it decided it didn’t like the look of one of the best men in the wedding party, and it attacked. You can see pictures and read the whole story here: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/mar/27/owls-of-laughter-as-winged-ring-bearer-attacks-best-man The story recalls the enjoyment and laughter of the bride and groom. I expect that the attacked best man may have a different story to tell.

There are falconry businesses available in the US that will provide similar services – for a hefty price. If you have an interest in falconry or are planning a medieval themed wedding, this might be something you want to consider.

There are a number of ways this choice may be too much of a good thing. Here are just a few of them:

  • The cost is very high for this brief experience. Listed prices are around $1000 plus travel expenses.
  • If you are planning an indoor experience, or if weather forces you indoors, you’ll need to ensure your venue will permit the birds to fly.
  • These are wild animals, and as such are unpredictable. Consider how guests may react to a rogue or attacking bird.
  • Animal cruelty concerns must be vetted. Perhaps some handlers can assure you that their animals are not being harmed, but some of your guests may feel differently.

I am a fan of customizing your wedding ceremony and including unique rituals. Personally, I think owls/birds of prey as ring bearers is too much of a good thing. But you’ll have to make the decision for yourselves.

Customizing Family Rituals

 in Blended family / Inclusive ceremony / Personalized Ceremony / Rituals / Wedding Ceremony / Weddings  tagged family rituals / personalized rituals / wedding ceremony / wedding rituals by

Customizing family rituals is a creative way to personalize your wedding ceremony. Allowing your personalities shine during your ceremony makes it more interesting. While wedding rituals like blending sand or handfasting can enhance a ceremony, extending them to include your family make them truly memorable.

Sand blending, where the couple pour two different colors of sand into a vessel, has been around since outdoor ceremonies became popular. The ritual represents the blending of two lives in marriage. It has been extended to become a popular ritual for families with children where the couple and each of their children blend colored sand representing themselves into a common vessel representing the new blended family.

I recently saw a new version of this ritual where rather than blending all the different colors, everyone took turns pouring their own color. The resulting layers created a striped effect, which was even more significant when the colors of the Pride flag were used for a same sex couple and their children. The symbolism is a little different, with everyone retaining their individuality (or stripe) while joining together in a single vessel (the new family unit).

Rainbow Ribbons for a Handfasting ritual.

The sand blending ritual is perfect for a family with younger children. If you have adult children, you might consider enhancing the handfasting ritual to represent both the couple and the new, blended family created by their union. I recently wrote this ritual with the adult family members stepping forward to demonstrate their support for their newly married parents, and recognizing their part in the newly blended family. Each adult child brings forward a ribbon which are placed over the parents’ joined hands. The ribbons represent both a wish for the couple, and a coordinated wish for the new family. For example, one ribbon may represent a wish for growing love for the couple and growing connection among all the family members. At the end of the ritual all the ribbons are tied together, as the new family is joined together through their parents’ marriage.

Customizing family rituals in these and similar ways takes a little creativity and thought, but is not difficult to do. Including modified rituals allows them to integrate fully in the ceremony and include all members of a newly blended family. As with many aspects of your wedding ceremony, customizing rituals provides one more way to let your personalities and your new family shine.