Yearly Archives: 2019

Marriage Is What Happens After the Wedding

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged engagement / engagement discussions / Marriage / weddings by

Marriage is what happens after the wedding day. While it’s easy to get caught up in all the fun and excitement of wedding planning – we’ll leave all the stress and anxiety of wedding planning for another day – it’s equally important to remember that your wedding day is only the beginning and marriage is what happens after the wedding is over.

Hopefully you’ve made the decision to marry when you feel confident that you know your partner well, when you believe that you are compatible for the long haul, and after you’ve had many deep discussions about your expectations of each other going forward. But sometimes, when you’re excited about falling in love, finding your “other half” and proposing or being proposed to, you might have missed some of the discussions you need to have before marrying.

Here’s a link to a great list of questions to consider and talk over with your partner before signing a wedding certificate. Some of the questions are very personal – about your sex life and intimacy expectations. Some are very practical – about handling finances and careers. And some questions are about long term, big picture hopes and dreams. Each of these categories deserves your time and attention as you ask and answer these questions with each other. Common wisdom says that the two biggest issues in marriages that don’t make it revolve around sex and money. You’ll be able to enter your marriage confident in yourselves and each other if you’ve honestly tackled the questions in this list.

Engagements serve two purposes: giving you time to plan the wedding day you want, but also giving you time to continue to grow as you anticipate your future together. While you want your wedding day to be special, authentic, memorable and unique, remember that marriage is what happens after the wedding day. You want to invest yourselves in making sure that you are giving your marriage every chance to succeed, so don’t overlook those big and important discussions along the way.

What Happens at a Secular Wedding?

 in Celebration / Ceremony / Personalization / Secular wedding / Weddings  tagged secular ceremonies / secular ceremony / secular wedding / wedding / wedding ceremony / weddings by

“What happens at a secular wedding?” is a common question for couples who have been raised in a religious tradition. The answer is simple. Pretty much whatever you want. In Minnesota, the only requirements to make a marriage legal are to have the proper paperwork, two witnesses, and say you want to be married to each other. It can be as simple as that, but most couples want to mark this important moment in their lives with something more significant.

Traditional weddings often have religious prayers, rituals and readings, so it is very reasonable to ask what happens at a secular wedding when you remove all of that. Does it still look like a wedding as you know it? Will you feel married after a secular wedding? What will your guests think of your secular wedding?

Rest assured that your secular wedding can still have much of the look and feel of a traditional wedding, if that is your wish. You can have a meaningful, possibly even a more meaningful exchange of vows, and secular weddings can be significant, memorable experiences for you as a couple and for your guests.

The general approach is to use secular wording, readings and rituals in place of religious language and actions. In your secular wedding you have a virtually unlimited choice of music. Any genre, live or recorded, can be used. You can select from contemporary poetry or literature for a reading, or use passages from ancient writers and poets if you prefer. There are a variety of secular, meaningful unity rituals to choose from, too. From tree plantings to love letters to handfastings and beer sharings, there is something for everyone who wants a unity ritual in their wedding. And that’s the beauty of secular weddings.

So now you know why the answer to the question, “What happens at a secular wedding?” is, “Pretty much whatever you want.” Your ceremony can be written or modified for you since there are no rules imposed by religious authorities. It can be authentic because you select the what and how of all the elements of your ceremony. This is a great opportunity to put your personal stamp on this important part of your wedding day. Work with your celebrant to ensure all aspects of your ceremony reflect who you are and what you are promising to each other in marriage. Have fun collaborating to create your perfect ceremony for your special day.

Three Tips Can Make Your Ceremony Memorable

 in Celebration / Ceremony / Weddings  tagged ceremony tips / memorable wedding / wedding ceremony by

Three tips can make your ceremony memorable for the rest of your life. Without focus on your part the ceremony can become a blur instead of the most significant part of your wedding day. These three tips will help you get the most from your ceremony and help launch the rest of your wedding celebration.

Tip 1: Let the stress go. Don’t think about things that have or might go wrong with your celebration. Don’t worry about the dinner and dance yet to come, or wonder whether the reception space is ready to go. Before you walk down the aisle, take a few deep breaths to center yourself so you can be in the moment.

Tip 2: Savor the moment. Now that you’re experiencing your walk up the aisle and your ceremony, see your guests who have gathered. Hear your celebrant as she shares your story and celebrates all that marriage can be. Feel the love surrounding you from your partner, your wedding party, your family and friends. Touch your partner’s hands and know they are with you every step of the way.

Tip 3: Lead with your heart. As you say your vows, really focus on the love you feel for your partner and the promises you are making to them. And as you receive your partner’s vows listen closely and maintain eye contact with them. These moments are setting the stage for your future together and you want to remember them clearly.

Remembering these three tips can make your ceremony memorable by bringing it into focus. You’ll have mental snapshots of faces, words, promises, rituals, and of course, your first kiss as a married couple. These memories will carry you through the rest of your wedding day and for years to come as you reflect clearly on the moments that marked this happy, loving milestone moment in your life.

Writing Your Own Vows

 in Ceremony / Personalization / Wedding Vows / Weddings  tagged personalized vows / vows / wedding vows / weddings / writing vows by

Writing your own vows for your wedding day is a wonderful way to make this most important moment of your ceremony even more memorable. It sounds like a simple thing to do – to share the happiness and love you feel, and to voice the promises you are making to each other.

But when you sit down to actually write the vows, it can quickly become an overwhelming experience. The ideas below will help you break the process down into workable pieces and create vows you’re proud to share.

  1. Talk to each other about length and tone. You’ll want vows that are similar in these ways, while still being unique to each of you. Eight to ten sentences is a good length, allowing you to share meaningful promises without boring your audience.
  2. Consider the content and flow of your vows. One approach is to break your vows into three sections: share a bit of your history, then move on to your promises, and close with your personal statement of love and commitment.
  3. Start early. You know why you’ve chosen to marry. You know what you love about each other. With a little thought, you can articulate the promises you want to make to each other. Completing your vows weeks before the ceremony removes some last minute stress for you and usually results in more articulate and thoughtful vows, too.
  4. Brainstorm to get started. Sitting down in front of a blank screen or paper can be intimidating. Create a list of concepts you might want to include, then go back and pick out the gems that are really important to you, and craft them into the thoughts and promises you want in your vows.
  5. Read the vows out loud. They will seem longer when voiced, so do this often as you write your vows. Listen to the word choices, timing and flow of ideas – things can sound different than they appear when printed. Remember your audience – you may choose to limit “inside jokes and stories” so they can stay engaged.
  6. Ask for advice or review as needed. If you have trouble getting started, can’t figure out how to get your vows to a reasonable length, or wonder if your humor is appropriate for the situation, consult your celebrant. We can help you find the right words to express yourself and provide editing support.

Remember, you’re likely to be somewhat emotional when sharing your vows, so using shorter, simpler sentences will make it easier to get through. Writing your own vows can be wonderful, but it’s not for everyone. Know your strengths and preferences – writing skills, presentation style, level of emotion, etc. Refer to my post from last week for other approaches to wedding vows, and you’re sure to find the one that’s right for you.

Wedding Vows Done Right

 in Ceremony / Wedding Vows / Weddings  tagged personal vows / vows / wedding / wedding ceremonies / wedding ceremony / wedding vows / weddings by

Wedding vows are the most important moment of not only your wedding ceremony, but of your entire wedding day. They are required to make the marriage legal, and equally importantly, they provide the opportunity for you to voice your commitment and promises in front of your community of family and friends. Vows, therefore, should be personal and significant, but can be created and offered a number of different ways.

You can write your own wedding vows, and read them to each other during your ceremony. This option allows you total control over what you say and promise with your vows, while also allowing your personalities to shine. Next week I’ll devote my post to how to write your own vows, but for now, know that it is an option. I don’t recommend however, that you try to memorize your vows. It puts too much pressure on you during an already stressful and busy day, and if you forget them it you’ll feel badly – not the memory you want of your wedding day. Reading your personally written vows is perfectly acceptable, even recommended.

If you don’t feel creative enough to write your own vows, selecting “repeat after me” style vows where you are prompted line by line by your celebrant is a fine alternative. This is, in fact, the most common type of wedding vows used by couples today. There are a nearly unlimited number of pre-written, repeat after me vows at your fingertips with a simple Google search, if those offered by your celebrant don’t meet your needs. Remember, too, that any of these vows can be modified to reflect what you want to say to each other. A word or line can be changed, added or deleted to make it just right for you. Another way to make these kinds of wedding vows feel more personal is for you each to select the vows that best reflect the promises you want to make. You do not both need to say the same vow.

And finally, there are what I refer to as old-fashioned wedding vows. The celebrant asks you if you are making these promises today, and you respond with a simple, “I do.” These are rarely used these days, but are a good solution if you have limited English (and the ceremony is being offered in English), or if you are critically shy. A great way to personalize this style of vow if for you to choose/write the promises you want to make, and then allow the celebrant to voice them for you.

You’ll want your wedding vows to reflect you as individuals as you make your promises to each other, but there are various ways to achieve that goal. Talk with your fiance(e) to decide which approach is right for you.