Yearly Archives: 2017

A New Approach to Writing Vows

 in Ceremony / Weddings by

About half of the couples I marry choose to write their own vows. This allows their personalities to shine through, and allows them to make the personal promises they want to at this important moment. In reflecting on how to approach writing your own vows, I recently thought of a new idea that might work well for you.

Start by creating a single sentence that captures what you’re promising at a high level. For example you could say, “John, today I promise to love you, to support and respect you, and to build our future together with you.” Then, take a sentence or two to expand on each of those promises. Continuing the example, you could say, “I can’t imagine how I could love you more than I do today, but I know that my love is deeper and more profound than when we first fell in love 3 years ago. So I trust that by investing my time and focus in our relationship going forward, my love for you will grow in depth and strength in the coming years.”

You could continue in this manner, sharing how you will support your partner to achieve their goals; will be by their side to celebrate their successes and will be a loving listener and shoulder for them through challenging times. When you’ve expounded on each of the promises in the initial sentence, you’re ready to wrap up with a statement of happiness, love, appreciation, or whatever other emotion you are feeling as you gather with family and friends to publicly voice your commitment to the person you’re marrying.

This approach to writing vows will result in a coherent and focused vow that is appropriate in length, meaningful, and significant. It gives you the opportunity to inject humor, gravity, quirkiness, or a bit of your history, and still keep the focus on the promises you’re making to each other.

A variation on this approach would be to write the initial promise statement with your partner, and then alternate as you expand on what each part of the promise means to you. This would create a more conversational flow to your vows, and would hold the attention of your guests, too.

However you approach your wedding vows, they are the most important words of the day, so start thinking about and talking about them far in advance of your wedding day. You may start down one path, only to find out that a different approach works best for you. Give yourselves time and flexibility to make your vows what you really want them to be.

Make Time For Each Other

 in Weddings by

Wedding planning is in full swing for couples with 2017 wedding dates. Whether you’re days or months from your big day, I encourage you to make time to spend with each other. Make plans for a coffee date, take in a movie, or just go for a walk together. Talk about anything you want to… except the wedding.

It’s easy to get so caught up in the myriad details surrounding your wedding that you forget to invest time and energy in the your significant other. It is because of this special person and the love you’ve found together that you’re planning a wedding in the first place. With engagements lasting a year or more these days, if you aren’t careful you can find yourselves both drifting away from each other and forgetting to nurture your relationship. Even though your wedding day will undoubtedly be an important and memorable day for the two of you, it is still only a day.

Staying connected to each other, investing your mental and physical energy into growing your relationship can reap great rewards. You and your partner will feel less resentful of the time it takes to plan your wedding, will be able to share tasks better, and will communicate better when you do discuss the big day. You’ll also find it a refreshing break from the stress that can accompany planning a wedding when you call a halt for a day or even a few hours and think about other things, enjoy the world going on around you, or just gaze into each others eyes and remember what you love about each other.

This advice goes for your actual wedding day, too. While there will be many things and people vying for your attention throughout the day, make time to check in with your new husband or wife. Enjoy your day together. Savor each part of the day together, and remember to embrace, look into each others eyes, and look out at all the activities going on around you… together.

Weddings – A Special Day for Everyone

 in Weddings by

There’s an old saying that a wedding day is the bride’s day. I prefer to say that it is the couple’s day, but I also encourage couples to consider that their wedding day is special to many other people, too.

Parents come to mind first, and can also be the most challenging to deal with. We’ve all heard the stories of the overbearing parents who inflict their opinions on the couple and try to make the wedding day fit their image of perfection. While it is critical that you, as a couple, maintain control of your day, it is helpful to realize that this is also a very important day for your parents. Your wedding day marks a transition for you all. No longer will your first loyalty and focus be to your parents and the nuclear family you were raised in, it will be to your spouse and the family you create together. It is one more expression of the independent life you’ve established for yourself. For these reasons there is a lot of parental emotion tied up in your wedding day – from pride and love, to uncertainty and sadness for the passing of an era. Understanding and appreciating this can allow you to have respectful conversations with your parents, to hear their wishes, and to respond in a kind way while remaining true to your own vision for your day.

Children from prior relationships can also have strong feelings about your wedding day, and those feelings may not always be positive. If they are close to their other parent, their feelings can be ambivalent or conflicted. For this reason I suggest that you not ask your children to speak at your wedding ceremony, unless they are adults and can asure you that they wish to do so. Participating in a ritual, or even just being in attendance may be all they feel comfortable doing. Recognizing how your wedding is affecting your children and working to make them comfortable is essential to starting your blended family off on a positive note.

And last but not least, please realize that all your guests are invested in your wedding day, too. They think enough of you to attend. They may have traveled long distances, incurred significant costs, used vacation time, or made child care arrangements to share in your special day. You are the hosts as well as the honorees at your wedding, so you’ll want to acknowledge and welcome your guests, and make an effort to engage with them throughout the day.

Weddings are wonderful days, but they take a lot of effort to plan and carry off well. While they are in some ways all about you as a couple, your day will be happier, richer and more memorable if you remember and consider all the people who will be sharing your day and celebrating with you.

Secular Ceremonies: Your New Wedding Ceremony Option

 in Ceremony / Weddings by

Historically, most wedding ceremonies took place in churches or other houses of worship, and have been defined in large part by religious rules and traditions. But times have changed, and many weddings now take place in parks, museums, golf clubs, historic mansions or specialized wedding venues. If you move your ceremony out of religious buildings and select an officiant who is not bound by religious rules, the possibilities for your wedding ceremony really open up.

When you select a secular ceremony, you have no restrictions on the kinds of music you choose, the readings you want offered, or the unity ritual you find meaningful. You are welcome to write your own vows, you can add in other rituals or include other people in your ceremony if you wish.

Your secular ceremony can have a very traditional look and feel if that’s the experience you want. Classical music selections, well known readings from Shakespeare or Elizabeth Barrett Browning can be used. Repeat after me vows using familiar language may be the perfect choice for you. Unity candles or sand blending ceremonies can be offered. And traditional language can make the ceremony very similar to other weddings you’ve attended.

But if you wish to extensively personalize your secular ceremony, that’s possible, too. The theme from “Princess Bride” for the bride’s entrance, is not traditional, but may be the perfect fit for you. Writing your own vows and choosing to include some humor in them may perfectly reflect your personal dynamic as a couple. Using an offering from children’s literature or contemporary poetry as a reading may express your views on love or marriage. And a tree planting or handfasting may be the ideal ritual to follow your exchange of vows and rings.

All those less traditional choices can still be wound into a wedding ceremony that feels like a wedding ceremony. The familiar elements – processional, reading, vows, unity ritual – are all still there, but have been selected to keep the focus on you as a couple and better reflect your personalities and style. You will have a meaningful experience marking your commitment to each other in marriage, and your guests will feel they’ve had a recognizable “ceremony experience”, too. But you’ll be comfortable with the language used, and the content will celebrate you as a couple as the cross the threshold into marriage.

Personalizing Your Wedding Party

 in Weddings by

When you think about personalizing your wedding party, think beyond plaid bow ties for the men and neckline choices for the women. Think about the people most important in your lives. Think about who you want standing at your side at this very significant moment in your lives. Think beyond the traditional choices for your wedding attendants.

I use the word attendants because it is gender and age neutral. You can have “bridesmen” and “groomswomen”, or “men of honor” and “best women”. But attendants and honor attendants are terms that are more general and provide you with all kinds of flexibility.

I’ve had mature brides invite their 50-something sisters to be their honor attendant. I’ve had groom’s fathers stand as their best man. And gender bending wedding parties are becoming more common with at least a few each season. Sometimes the bride has one sibling – a brother, or the groom only a sister, and those are the people they want standing at their elbow when they say their vows.

If one of your best friends happens to be opposite your gender, please don’t leave them out of your wedding party because they happen to wear pants or a skirt. Fashion choices can be handled in a variety of ways that allow your wedding party to look coordinated and fabulous in pictures, so don’t let that prevent you from asking them to stand with you. Bridal salons and formal wear shops can help with suggestions, or ask the individual standing up with you what they would prefer. I’ve seen male attendants for the bride in tuxes that both match and in contrast with the groom’s attendants. And I’ve seen female attendants for the groom in the same dress as the bride’s attendants, but in black to match the groom’s attendants suits. That’s just one solution that works.

A few years back one couple I married had their two grandmothers act as their “flower girls”, tossing flower petals down the aisle in front of the bride. It was a special moment for both the couple and for the grandmothers who shared special relationships with the bride and groom.

And finally, don’t feel that you must have the same number of attendants. Again, it’s much more important for you to have people you are close to, comfortable with, and with whom you have a strong connection in your wedding party. Processionals, pictures, reception dances and head tables can all accommodate differing numbers of attendants with a little thought and creativity. Ask yourselves if you’re likely to have a relationship with each person in your party in 10 or 20 years. If the answer is no, then think twice about inviting them to be in your wedding party.

Same sex couples do the best job I’ve seen of moving beyond traditional perceptions of wedding party rules. Maybe because they don’t have hundreds of years of wedding tradition to be limited by. But everyone can learn something from these couples who commonly break gender and number traditions. Surround yourselves with the important people in your world and it will add to the significance and special memories of your wedding day.