Monthly Archives: April 2017

The Benefits of Wedding Rehearsals

 in Ceremony / Weddings  tagged wedding by

I admit it – I’m a fan of wedding rehearsals. I know that weddings aren’t rocket science, and that most follow a familiar format, but I think rehearsals are great stress relievers for everyone involved. If you are fortunate enough to have access to your ceremony venue the day (or two) before the wedding, it’s well worth your time to hold a rehearsal.

When I run a rehearsal for my couples, it focuses on the logistics of the ceremony, not the content. We gather all the people who will participate in the processional and in the ceremony in any capacity. Your parents and grandparents will appreciate knowing where and when they will line up, who will be escorting them up the aisle, and where they will be seated.

Once we’ve got the wedding party up in front, we can look at the group, help them identify landmarks in the space or even put tape on the floor if necessary so they know where to stand for the ceremony. Next, we walk through the ceremony – literally. We invite readers forward to practice with the microphone, and to learn where to stand when offering their reading. We practice any shifts in position that you will need to remember, and the cues that will tell you it’s time to move. For example, when I say, “Please prepare for your exchange of vows and rings,” that’s your cue to pass your bouquet to your maid of honor and face your partner. If you’re including a unity ritual in your ceremony, we walk through that as well.

We also rehearse the end of the ceremony, including the kiss, since many couples are a bit uncomfortable kissing in front of their guests, and we have a little fun with it at rehearsal to set you at ease. After the kiss we have the wedding party and parents recess as they will the next day, and then we do any or all of it one more time if you wish (but most couples are comfortable after the first round).

One thing we don’t do at rehearsal is practice your vows or the words of the ring vows. I practice those individually with you either immediately after rehearsal or in the hour before your ceremony, so those special moments aren’t shared too soon.

If you don’t have access to your ceremony venue for a rehearsal before your wedding day, rehearsal can be held in an alternate location – your home, back yard, or a space at your rehearsal dinner venue if you’re having one. Another alternative is a “day of walk through” which happens about 90 minutes before your ceremony, in your ceremony venue, and is a quicker version of the rehearsal. This can be a good option if you’re seeing each other before the ceremony, but you’ll want to schedule it after your first look experience with your photographer.

Rehearsals reduce stress for everyone involved and allow you all to relax and savor the ceremony experience without worrying about where and when to be moving about. That said, if you’re having a very simple ceremony with little to no wedding party and your parents will be seated before the processional begins, a rehearsal or even a walk through may not be necessary. If you’re very relaxed about the ceremony, and are OK if everything isn’t “perfect”, you may choose to pass on the rehearsal altogether, and that’s fine, too. Your day, your way.

A New Approach to Writing Vows

 in Ceremony / Weddings by

About half of the couples I marry choose to write their own vows. This allows their personalities to shine through, and allows them to make the personal promises they want to at this important moment. In reflecting on how to approach writing your own vows, I recently thought of a new idea that might work well for you.

Start by creating a single sentence that captures what you’re promising at a high level. For example you could say, “John, today I promise to love you, to support and respect you, and to build our future together with you.” Then, take a sentence or two to expand on each of those promises. Continuing the example, you could say, “I can’t imagine how I could love you more than I do today, but I know that my love is deeper and more profound than when we first fell in love 3 years ago. So I trust that by investing my time and focus in our relationship going forward, my love for you will grow in depth and strength in the coming years.”

You could continue in this manner, sharing how you will support your partner to achieve their goals; will be by their side to celebrate their successes and will be a loving listener and shoulder for them through challenging times. When you’ve expounded on each of the promises in the initial sentence, you’re ready to wrap up with a statement of happiness, love, appreciation, or whatever other emotion you are feeling as you gather with family and friends to publicly voice your commitment to the person you’re marrying.

This approach to writing vows will result in a coherent and focused vow that is appropriate in length, meaningful, and significant. It gives you the opportunity to inject humor, gravity, quirkiness, or a bit of your history, and still keep the focus on the promises you’re making to each other.

A variation on this approach would be to write the initial promise statement with your partner, and then alternate as you expand on what each part of the promise means to you. This would create a more conversational flow to your vows, and would hold the attention of your guests, too.

However you approach your wedding vows, they are the most important words of the day, so start thinking about and talking about them far in advance of your wedding day. You may start down one path, only to find out that a different approach works best for you. Give yourselves time and flexibility to make your vows what you really want them to be.

Make Time For Each Other

 in Weddings by

Wedding planning is in full swing for couples with 2017 wedding dates. Whether you’re days or months from your big day, I encourage you to make time to spend with each other. Make plans for a coffee date, take in a movie, or just go for a walk together. Talk about anything you want to… except the wedding.

It’s easy to get so caught up in the myriad details surrounding your wedding that you forget to invest time and energy in the your significant other. It is because of this special person and the love you’ve found together that you’re planning a wedding in the first place. With engagements lasting a year or more these days, if you aren’t careful you can find yourselves both drifting away from each other and forgetting to nurture your relationship. Even though your wedding day will undoubtedly be an important and memorable day for the two of you, it is still only a day.

Staying connected to each other, investing your mental and physical energy into growing your relationship can reap great rewards. You and your partner will feel less resentful of the time it takes to plan your wedding, will be able to share tasks better, and will communicate better when you do discuss the big day. You’ll also find it a refreshing break from the stress that can accompany planning a wedding when you call a halt for a day or even a few hours and think about other things, enjoy the world going on around you, or just gaze into each others eyes and remember what you love about each other.

This advice goes for your actual wedding day, too. While there will be many things and people vying for your attention throughout the day, make time to check in with your new husband or wife. Enjoy your day together. Savor each part of the day together, and remember to embrace, look into each others eyes, and look out at all the activities going on around you… together.

Weddings – A Special Day for Everyone

 in Weddings by

There’s an old saying that a wedding day is the bride’s day. I prefer to say that it is the couple’s day, but I also encourage couples to consider that their wedding day is special to many other people, too.

Parents come to mind first, and can also be the most challenging to deal with. We’ve all heard the stories of the overbearing parents who inflict their opinions on the couple and try to make the wedding day fit their image of perfection. While it is critical that you, as a couple, maintain control of your day, it is helpful to realize that this is also a very important day for your parents. Your wedding day marks a transition for you all. No longer will your first loyalty and focus be to your parents and the nuclear family you were raised in, it will be to your spouse and the family you create together. It is one more expression of the independent life you’ve established for yourself. For these reasons there is a lot of parental emotion tied up in your wedding day – from pride and love, to uncertainty and sadness for the passing of an era. Understanding and appreciating this can allow you to have respectful conversations with your parents, to hear their wishes, and to respond in a kind way while remaining true to your own vision for your day.

Children from prior relationships can also have strong feelings about your wedding day, and those feelings may not always be positive. If they are close to their other parent, their feelings can be ambivalent or conflicted. For this reason I suggest that you not ask your children to speak at your wedding ceremony, unless they are adults and can asure you that they wish to do so. Participating in a ritual, or even just being in attendance may be all they feel comfortable doing. Recognizing how your wedding is affecting your children and working to make them comfortable is essential to starting your blended family off on a positive note.

And last but not least, please realize that all your guests are invested in your wedding day, too. They think enough of you to attend. They may have traveled long distances, incurred significant costs, used vacation time, or made child care arrangements to share in your special day. You are the hosts as well as the honorees at your wedding, so you’ll want to acknowledge and welcome your guests, and make an effort to engage with them throughout the day.

Weddings are wonderful days, but they take a lot of effort to plan and carry off well. While they are in some ways all about you as a couple, your day will be happier, richer and more memorable if you remember and consider all the people who will be sharing your day and celebrating with you.