Yearly Archives: 2016

Unity Rituals – Classic, Novel, Custom, or None

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As I engage with couples for 2017 ceremonies I’ve encountered a variety of opinions on unity rituals. Some couples have a strong connection to classic unity rituals like the unity candle or sand blending ceremony. These rituals are familiar to them, and they appreciate the symbolism they portray. There are ways to customize these familiar rituals to make them fit your circumstances and personalities, and keep them fresh.

If, however, you are interested in including a newer unity ritual, a tree planting, a flower blending, a love letters and wine box, or a wine sharing ritual may be for you. Each of these rituals offers interesting visual and symbolic elements, and can be integrated into your ceremony to offer a personal touch.

Unity rituals at their best have a connection to you as a couple. That’s why I sometimes write a custom unity ritual for my couples. This year I created an ice cream sharing ritual for a couple who included ice cream in all their dates, and I’m currently writing a spice blending ritual for a 2017 couple who loves to cook together. In previous years, one couple performed a hot toddy ritual before offering hot toddies to all their guests. A couple who loved hiking and had Canadian ties built an inukshuk marking their way forward. And couples have created time capsules marking important moments from their past and their hopes for their future together. Each of these rituals was integrated into the overall ceremony giving them even more significance for the couples.

But even with all these unity ritual options, you may not want any unity ritual in your ceremony – and that is totally your choice. You may desire a short ceremony, and don’t want to spend time on a ritual. You may be private or shy people, and wish to minimize the spotlight on yourselves. Or you may just not feel a connection to any of the unity ritual options, which is a totally valid reason to opt out. Unity rituals are not required in a wedding ceremony, so if any of these statements describe you, opting out of a unity ritual may be the right choice.

All options and choices around unity rituals can and should be discussed with your celebrant/officiant during your initial meeting to ensure that your wishes will be respected in your wedding ceremony.

Dealing With The Unexpected

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Every couple works hard to plan a special wedding day, striving to anticipate every eventuality and provide a memorable experience for themselves and their guests. However, as a few recent ceremonies demonstrate, it is impossible to plan for every possible occurrence.

At one recent wedding, the couple planned to make promises to their two young daughters after exchanging their own vows. But, after tolerating days of an unusual schedule, an hour with the photographer before the ceremony, and lots of waiting around, their toddler melted down early in the ceremony and was whisked away by a caregiver. When the time for family vows arrived, the older daughter joined her parents in front, the little ones absence was noted, and the ceremony continued without pause.

Weather provided two interesting challenges this summer. First, a rainy week and damp forecast prompted one couple to change their plans for the ceremony from outdoors to the reception tent. The decision was made the day before the wedding, and plans were quickly developed to arrange the chairs for the ceremony, with a planned flip of the tent during social hour to allow the same space to be used for dinner. The couple remained upbeat, and focused on the changes needed to accommodate the new plan.

The last recent experience was the most unusual, but shows that the unthinkable can happen. The outdoors loving couple had planned a lakeside ceremony on a private beach. The week before the wedding brought heavy rains and local flooding. Visiting the ceremony site the day before the wedding, the couple discovered that the beach was totally submerged. They scouted the area and located a lovely, well drained, wooded site. They notified all their vendors and set up signs to direct their guests to the new venue. Both the rehearsal and wedding took place in the wooded venue, allowing the wedding party to be comfortable and familiar with the new space. The couple handled the situation beautifully, focusing on the logistics and new plan.

The message in these three stories is: Even when you think you have all the bases covered, the unexpected situation can pop up on or near your wedding day, requiring you to be creative, flexible, and maintain your perspective. In all three cases detailed above, the grace, good humor and maturity of the couples allowed them to deal with the situations presented, and still enjoy their wedding days. Being able to roll with and adjust to the reality of the moment is essential to handling an event as complex as a wedding day.

Setting the “Tone” for Your Ceremony

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Ceremony music is often viewed as a minor detail, an afterthought, among all the details that must be attended to when planning a wedding day. But this approach is really an opportunity lost. Music touches people on a visceral level, and careful music selections, especially foe the ceremony, can support and enhance the entire wedding experience.

First, consider including some thoughtful prelude music. These selections, played while your guests are being seated can foreshadow the ceremony and day to come. The genre of the music – country, rock, classical – can give your guests a piece of information about you as a couple. If you choose songs including lyrics, you can communicate how you view love and marriage.

Next consider your processional music. Usually one or two pieces of music are selected to accompany the entrance of your parents (and possibly grandparents), and your attendants (bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls and/or ring bearers). Again, genre, tone and lyrics can be used to share your values here.

Then comes the song for the bride’s entrance (or in the case of a same sex couple, the couple’s entrances). While Pachelbel’s “Canon in D” is one of the most popular choices here, this is an opportunity to show more of your personality as you enter your ceremony.

In the custom ceremonies I write for couples, the kiss is always the last moment of the ceremony. As the kiss breaks, the music swells and you lead the way out of the ceremony space and on to the rest of the wedding festivities. Again, a commonly used classical piece like “Trumpet Voluntary” provides a strong, jubilant exit, but other options like “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”, or “You Make My Dreams Come True” bring a contemporary, upbeat vibe.

Music touches people in ways the spoken word alone cannot. So spend some time making meaningful music selections for before, during and after your wedding ceremony to enhance the message, tone and emotion the ceremony itself evokes.

Customized Ceremony: What Does It Really Mean?

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These days everything weddings is about customization, but what does that mean for your ceremony? The truth is, that question can have many different answers depending on who you’re talking to. There is no right or wrong answer, but there are varying approaches, so it is important to understand what your options are.

One officiant, for example, may offer a customized ceremony where you can choose among a few paragraphs for the opening of the ceremony, a few readings, a few vow options, and a choice of two unity rituals. Other officiants may allow/expect you to write significant parts of the ceremony yourselves, and consider it a custom ceremony when they present your words at the ceremony.

The training I received as a Certified Life Cycle Celebrant®, however, taught me another approach which I use with my clients. To achieve a truly custom ceremony I begin by spending a couple of hours with you to discuss all aspects of your ceremony. We chat about your vision for the processional – who you want involved, where people will enter from and where they will sit or stand. We discuss many possible options for your ceremony, and you tell me what elements you value and want to include in your ceremony. And I begin to get to know you with some questions about you as a couple, the path of your relationship, and your views on marriage.

After you each return a questionnaire I provide, I have more information about you, and I use that, along with the ceremony outline we created at our meeting and the information you shared there, to create the first draft of your wedding ceremony. It will be focused on you as a couple and will include snippets of your story. It may also include options for a reading based on what I’ve learned about you as a couple, and wording for possible ceremony elements you wished to see. And then the fun really begins.

I send you the ceremony draft, and you are welcome to change, add, delete or request anything you wish. We work collaboratively in this manner until you approve the ceremony script. And that’s what you’ll hear on your wedding day. You can be confident that I won’t go off on a tangent, won’t say something that will offend your guests, or pressure them in any way. You will know that you and the commitment you are making to each other in marriage are represented in a manner that is authentic and comfortable for you.

So when you are considering celebrants and officiants who offer “custom ceremonies” it’s wise to learn exactly what that means before selecting one to officiate at your ceremony. Make sure that you’re comfortable with each other and that you understand what you’re getting with a “custom ceremony”. I am always happy to schedule a no cost, no obligation, initial consultation meeting with couples interested in exploring what your custom ceremony can be.

Ceremony Series Part 4: When and Why is Ceremony Useful?

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This is the final blog in the Ceremony Series, focusing on when and why ceremony is useful in our lives. We are social beings, and as such we often look to our community – family and friends – to support us, to celebrate with us, and in general to recognize significant moments in our lives.

We talk frequently about “the big three” kinds of ceremonies – baby welcomings, weddings and funerals or memorial services. These are ceremonies that mark very visible and defined moments in life: the birth or adoption of a child, marriage and death. Most people experience most of these events, and coming together to celebrate and support one another through ceremony at these moments is not only common, but almost expected.

But there are many other times that ceremony can be useful in your life. If you are experiencing a change in your status, ceremony can help you focus on, appreciate or accept, and assist you in moving forward. A great example here is retirement. You have accomplishments that deserve to be recognized as you retire, but this can also be a very stressful time as your day to day world will be changing dramatically. You can use ceremony to help you accept that you are leaving behind a part of how you have defined yourself for much of your adult life. And you can use ceremony to help you focus on new goals and directions for your life that will bring new experiences, new satisfactions, and new challenges. By sharing the ceremony experience with close family and friends, you can be reminded of the love and support that surround you as you move into a new phase of your life.

Personal ceremonies can also be meaningful and helpful as you move through life. You may choose to have a private ceremony (you alone, with one supportive other, or a few close family members) as you seek the strength, support and direction to deal with a serious illness. On a lighter note, you and your spouse may hold a private ceremony to mark the empty nest moment when your youngest child leaves the house and parenting and marriage take on new meaning for you. These personal, sometimes challenging moments that life presents to us can be eased with mindfulness, small rituals, and other aspects of ceremony.

Ceremony, then, can be used at any time to mark your journey through life. It can be performed in a solitary or community setting, in any venue that is meaningful for you. Ceremony can bring solace and support or celebration. It can be used to focus on the present moment, your past experiences, your future goals, or some combination of the three. Ceremony can be as formal as a wedding, or as informal as lighting a candle at home or releasing a paper boat on a stream. You can create your own ceremony, or you can seek the assistance of a trained celebrant to work with you to develop a ceremony that meets your objectives, is respectful of who you are, and that honors this moment in your life.

Life is full of significant moments, and ceremony is a great way to make them memorable, to celebrate them, or to find support and strength. Don’t miss the opportunities ceremony offers in your life.