As I write this, it is Election Day in the United States, following a very divisive, confrontational, and often ugly campaign season. Threats, cajoling, and manipulation have been used to try to convince us of one thing or another. Unfortunately, these tactics are sometimes used in wedding planning, too. So who gets to vote and decide what your wedding day will be? Just you as a couple? Your parents? Grandparents? Friends? I can guarantee that everyone will have an opinion, and many people will think you should choose what they think is best.
So how does a couple navigate this minefield of feelings, opinions, and experiences as you define and plan for your wedding day? My first suggestion is to realize that most advice is offered from a place of love and good intention. That doesn’t, however, mean that it doesn’t get overwhelming. I encourage you first to talk about what you want between yourselves before engaging in discussions with others. This may mean that you perfect the art of noncommittal replies early in the planning process. A simple, “hmmm”, or “that’s an interesting idea”, or “I haven’t considered that before” can buy you some time to discuss the (often unwanted) advice that is freely shared by family and friends.
Next, decide what aspects of your wedding day are most important to you as a couple. Yes, I know, it’s all important, but some things are more important – maybe you really care about the food that will be served, the reception venue, a particular photographer whose work you’ve admired, and, hopefully, your ceremony will make this list. Try to keep the list to no more than five things. Whatever those most important items are for you, they are the ones you should work hard not to compromise on.
For the myriad other details of your wedding day, you might consider compromising a bit, if that detail is particularly important to someone you love. For example, maybe you don’t particularly care about having welcome bags of goodies at the hotels your guests are staying at, but your fiance(e)’s mother thinks they are an important way to make the guests feel appreciated. You can agree to have them, but invite her to take charge of making them up and distributing them to the hotels.
Practically, you’ll also need to consider who is financing your wedding day. It can be hard to disagree if your parents are paying for the wedding (but hopefully they will still recognize it as “your day”). If you expect significant disagreements, you might want to scale down your plans or save up to pay for the wedding yourself so you have more control. But even if you’re paying for everything, realize that your wedding day is important to your parents, too, and it is ideal if you can hear their point of view before making your decision.
However you navigate the sometimes contentious moments of wedding planning, just like the elections, the big day will come and go. You want to be able to share the day, and all the ones that follow, without hurt feelings and animosity between you and your loved ones. It is worth some extra effort on everyone’s part to come through the planning process and wedding day still feeling connected, respected and appreciated.