Monthly Archives: September 2016

Setting the “Tone” for Your Ceremony

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Ceremony music is often viewed as a minor detail, an afterthought, among all the details that must be attended to when planning a wedding day. But this approach is really an opportunity lost. Music touches people on a visceral level, and careful music selections, especially foe the ceremony, can support and enhance the entire wedding experience.

First, consider including some thoughtful prelude music. These selections, played while your guests are being seated can foreshadow the ceremony and day to come. The genre of the music – country, rock, classical – can give your guests a piece of information about you as a couple. If you choose songs including lyrics, you can communicate how you view love and marriage.

Next consider your processional music. Usually one or two pieces of music are selected to accompany the entrance of your parents (and possibly grandparents), and your attendants (bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls and/or ring bearers). Again, genre, tone and lyrics can be used to share your values here.

Then comes the song for the bride’s entrance (or in the case of a same sex couple, the couple’s entrances). While Pachelbel’s “Canon in D” is one of the most popular choices here, this is an opportunity to show more of your personality as you enter your ceremony.

In the custom ceremonies I write for couples, the kiss is always the last moment of the ceremony. As the kiss breaks, the music swells and you lead the way out of the ceremony space and on to the rest of the wedding festivities. Again, a commonly used classical piece like “Trumpet Voluntary” provides a strong, jubilant exit, but other options like “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”, or “You Make My Dreams Come True” bring a contemporary, upbeat vibe.

Music touches people in ways the spoken word alone cannot. So spend some time making meaningful music selections for before, during and after your wedding ceremony to enhance the message, tone and emotion the ceremony itself evokes.

Customized Ceremony: What Does It Really Mean?

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These days everything weddings is about customization, but what does that mean for your ceremony? The truth is, that question can have many different answers depending on who you’re talking to. There is no right or wrong answer, but there are varying approaches, so it is important to understand what your options are.

One officiant, for example, may offer a customized ceremony where you can choose among a few paragraphs for the opening of the ceremony, a few readings, a few vow options, and a choice of two unity rituals. Other officiants may allow/expect you to write significant parts of the ceremony yourselves, and consider it a custom ceremony when they present your words at the ceremony.

The training I received as a Certified Life Cycle Celebrant®, however, taught me another approach which I use with my clients. To achieve a truly custom ceremony I begin by spending a couple of hours with you to discuss all aspects of your ceremony. We chat about your vision for the processional – who you want involved, where people will enter from and where they will sit or stand. We discuss many possible options for your ceremony, and you tell me what elements you value and want to include in your ceremony. And I begin to get to know you with some questions about you as a couple, the path of your relationship, and your views on marriage.

After you each return a questionnaire I provide, I have more information about you, and I use that, along with the ceremony outline we created at our meeting and the information you shared there, to create the first draft of your wedding ceremony. It will be focused on you as a couple and will include snippets of your story. It may also include options for a reading based on what I’ve learned about you as a couple, and wording for possible ceremony elements you wished to see. And then the fun really begins.

I send you the ceremony draft, and you are welcome to change, add, delete or request anything you wish. We work collaboratively in this manner until you approve the ceremony script. And that’s what you’ll hear on your wedding day. You can be confident that I won’t go off on a tangent, won’t say something that will offend your guests, or pressure them in any way. You will know that you and the commitment you are making to each other in marriage are represented in a manner that is authentic and comfortable for you.

So when you are considering celebrants and officiants who offer “custom ceremonies” it’s wise to learn exactly what that means before selecting one to officiate at your ceremony. Make sure that you’re comfortable with each other and that you understand what you’re getting with a “custom ceremony”. I am always happy to schedule a no cost, no obligation, initial consultation meeting with couples interested in exploring what your custom ceremony can be.

Ceremony Series Part 4: When and Why is Ceremony Useful?

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This is the final blog in the Ceremony Series, focusing on when and why ceremony is useful in our lives. We are social beings, and as such we often look to our community – family and friends – to support us, to celebrate with us, and in general to recognize significant moments in our lives.

We talk frequently about “the big three” kinds of ceremonies – baby welcomings, weddings and funerals or memorial services. These are ceremonies that mark very visible and defined moments in life: the birth or adoption of a child, marriage and death. Most people experience most of these events, and coming together to celebrate and support one another through ceremony at these moments is not only common, but almost expected.

But there are many other times that ceremony can be useful in your life. If you are experiencing a change in your status, ceremony can help you focus on, appreciate or accept, and assist you in moving forward. A great example here is retirement. You have accomplishments that deserve to be recognized as you retire, but this can also be a very stressful time as your day to day world will be changing dramatically. You can use ceremony to help you accept that you are leaving behind a part of how you have defined yourself for much of your adult life. And you can use ceremony to help you focus on new goals and directions for your life that will bring new experiences, new satisfactions, and new challenges. By sharing the ceremony experience with close family and friends, you can be reminded of the love and support that surround you as you move into a new phase of your life.

Personal ceremonies can also be meaningful and helpful as you move through life. You may choose to have a private ceremony (you alone, with one supportive other, or a few close family members) as you seek the strength, support and direction to deal with a serious illness. On a lighter note, you and your spouse may hold a private ceremony to mark the empty nest moment when your youngest child leaves the house and parenting and marriage take on new meaning for you. These personal, sometimes challenging moments that life presents to us can be eased with mindfulness, small rituals, and other aspects of ceremony.

Ceremony, then, can be used at any time to mark your journey through life. It can be performed in a solitary or community setting, in any venue that is meaningful for you. Ceremony can bring solace and support or celebration. It can be used to focus on the present moment, your past experiences, your future goals, or some combination of the three. Ceremony can be as formal as a wedding, or as informal as lighting a candle at home or releasing a paper boat on a stream. You can create your own ceremony, or you can seek the assistance of a trained celebrant to work with you to develop a ceremony that meets your objectives, is respectful of who you are, and that honors this moment in your life.

Life is full of significant moments, and ceremony is a great way to make them memorable, to celebrate them, or to find support and strength. Don’t miss the opportunities ceremony offers in your life.

Ceremony Series Part 3: Where is Ceremony Held?

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In the last two weeks we’ve explored what ceremony is and who it is for. Today we examine where ceremonies are held. Historically, most ceremonies are held in religious buildings – churches, synagogues, or mosques. These ceremonies are often highly scripted, following requirements of the religion.

Today, however, ceremonies are held in all kinds of places. You’ll find weddings in parks, on golf courses, in hotel ballrooms, museums, theaters, art centers and private homes. Baby welcoming ceremonies are often held at home, either indoors or in the yard. Many funeral homes have created ceremony space within their facilities, and memorial services can also take place outdoors, in halls or other venues. Small, personal ceremonies can take place virtually anywhere.

Especially if you are not connected to a religious community a secular venue may be most comfortable for you. Many facilities with event space are opening them up for ceremonies, and can be very good to work with. I’ve personally performed weddings at the Science Museum of Minnesota, the Rochester Civic Theatre, the Rochester Art Center and the Minnesota Arboretum to name a few interesting venues. Our local golf clubs also welcome ceremonies (you don’t need to be a member to rent their facilities) and offer another benefit – one stop celebrations.

If you hold your ceremony and whatever reception or gathering follows that in one location, you’ve simplified the experience for your guests, especially out of town guests who are unfamiliar with the area. With a single venue event you can gracefully flow from ceremony to social hour to dinner, or whatever activities you are including in your celebration.

For smaller ceremonies, your own home may be the perfect venue. A small table can serve as a focal point for the ceremony, guests (if any) can be comfortably seated, and again, the ceremony can flow gracefully with any preceding or following activities. If the ceremony is focused on the home, either a house warming or a house leaving ceremony, home is the most appropriate venue, but being in your own space can also be very comforting for support or transition ceremonies.

When selecting the venue for your ceremony you’ll want to consider the size of your guest list, the facilities available at each venue, accessibility and services offered, and your personal style and preferences. In an ideal world, the venue will have a connection to you or the honorees: perhaps a theater for a performer, a science museum for a couple of scientists, or an outdoor space for campers or hikers. In those situations the ceremony venue becomes an integral part of the ceremony and is another way to personalize and bring meaning to your ceremony experience.